I have been caught up lately in the list making, the crazy mountain of obstacles to climb over, around and through ... and find myself forgetting to dial in to how this is affecting me.
Mothers across the world struggle with their identity. We know what our "job" is, but often we find ourselves losing sight and perspective of the bigger picture.
We change diapers, make carpool runs, schedule playdates, cook meals, wash dirty clothes, clean smears repetitively off of the same windows over and over.
We drive cars with leftovers of yesterday's snacks on the floor, listen to WAY too much kiddie music, wipe noses, help with homework, pay bills, keep everyone in clothes that fit, clean out the litter box and sweep floors.
We hold our children's hands as they go to the doctor, reassure our teenagers that life WILL get better, support our husbands even when we are starving for some understanding ourselves.
We are friends, mothers, lovers, wives, daughters, coaches, teachers, counselors, neighbors, and more.
I don't really know what the point of this post is, quite honestly ... but I do know that I have been neglecting myself through this process. I have put high on the priority list my desire to make this adventure as "normal" and "easy" as it can be for the kids. I wake up every morning hoping for enough energy to be the right kind of a support to Todd as I can be, without possessing the true understanding of what kind of support he actually needs.
I was part of the decision to move a 14 year old - in the "prime of his life" as he knows it, to a foreign country. Away from his amazing friends, his love of lacrosse and football, his outstanding highschool that he was so excited to attend. I struggle to make sure that he is getting what he needs from me so that I don't fail him.
I have really had a hard time this week though personally. I find myself short on patience, quick to tears and just incredibly anxious.
I am all too aware that my friends don't quite know how to help me ... don't quite know what to say. I am VERY cognizent of the fact that my husband doesn't quite know what I need either.
He has a million and one things on his plate and a million MORE things coursing through his head at any given moment. He is leaving two weeks from today and that - in and of itself - is hard to swallow.
He will leave on April 16th and it is likely we won't see him again until we land in Delhi on July 17th. THREE MONTHS LATER. He is leaving me behind ... frankly ... to finish things up and hold things together.
I know that the easy answer is to "make time for myself" and see to it that I get a sitter, get some gym time in, get a massage or go for lunch with friends. But it's more than that.
It's more about making sure that I am true to myself through this process.
As a mother, I think it's normal to lose yourself while you're so focused on raising your children. Even more so now, I feel it is so important to not lose myself as well as I prepare for this next step in our lives.
I need to be able to speak my mind about how I feel. I need to be able to sit with whatever emotions the moment may bring. I need to honor my dear friends' wishes to help me. To listen to me, to assist with tasks, to be there for me when I need it.
I need to do a better job of tuning in with who I am. Not as the kids' mother, not as Todd's wife, not as someone who started a running club, or hosted Rock-n-Tot events. Just who I am. At the end of the day. When the activities and goings on of the previous 12 hours are just distant memories, I need to be fully aware (or at least MORE aware) of whether I am proud of myself.
Amidst the responsibilities of being a mother and a wife ... and outside of the scope of this move to India ... I want to have good answers to:
Am I proud of how I handled a situation? Did I reach out to someone who needed my help? Did I treat my children with the love and respect they deserve? Did I spend some quiet time with myeslf? Did I do at least one thing to make my world a better place? Did I do something FOR myself?
I've run out of time to write ... we have a playdate and they are due soon off of the bus and the littlest one is hollering for lunch.
I'm still not really sure what the point of this post was, except to just document some things from my my head and onto this page. I don't want to simply coast through life just getting by ... I want to run rampant through life and soak it all up, use it all up, be the best I can be.
