FRIENDSHIPS :: EXPAT and LOCALS

So a recent question was asked of me ... by a reader ... concerning why expats don't hang out more and socialize with locals.

It is a TOUGH question to answer, but I will share my thoughts ... as well as the comments of some folks I asked to contribute.

I would love to hear from locals, NRIs, PIOs AND expats alike and get a friendly debate and discussion going on this topic.  Humor me?

Before we arrived in Delhi and I started my first expat stint, I researched all of the "clubs" and organizations in the city.

Whether it was the Delhi Network, the American Women's Association, Seven Cities or the Delhi Tots, I found that there was a HUGE support network in place for Americans like me, adopting India as their host country.

When we moved into our neighborhood, I realized that there was a mixture of people living here. It is touted as one of the main "expat hoods" and while I don't know the percentages of expats vs. locals, I'd guess it to be 75% expats with no Indian heritage and 25% being PIOs (Person of Indian Origin) that may or may not hold Indian passports.

The majority of my days start by leaving the house at 7:50 to do a school run .... where I deposit my boys in a bubble of mostly expat children, then I drop my daughter in another bubble of all expat children.

I do my exercise in that bubble, I drink my morning coffee in that bubble.

I have attended numerous coffees and get togethers with women of all different nationalities, but often find that my energy level is too quickly sapped by the various accents, variety of years/experiences/stories living this lifestyle and having to repeat "our story" over and over.

I have also attended teas and lunches hosted by some delightful Indian women who were born and raised in India. Most recently, since Mia is attending ballet class and is one of only two non-Indian children, the opportunities to befriend a non-expat are plenty twice a week.

We introduce ourselves ... exchange some niceties ... and then within five minutes or so, we sigh, and became very engrossed in the contents of our tea cup or a recent SMS.

After the silence becomes too awkward, someone strikes up a conversation and asks "Where do you come from in America?"   My answer varies between Nebraska, Georgia or Ohio.  Inevitably someone exclaims "Oh, I know someone in Georgia!"  And again, the conversation dies to another pregnant moment of shifting in our seats, or excusing ourselves to take a quick walk around the corner.

Attempting to have lively conversation, I usually ask something like "What is your favorite place to visit in India?" to which the conversation instantly becomes fast and furious. But soon enough, that discussion too wanes into nothing. Someone might ask where my children attend school, and because my answer is the American school, often that discussion ends there.

It seems to me that ... outside of our own comfort zone ... we all feel uncomfortable. It may also be birthday parties where the majority of the children/parents are one nationality.  It may also be the fundraiser for a charity run by a group of women who are another nationality.  It may also be the circle of women from yet another nationality who huddle together at school every afternoon during pickup.

The reality is ... we flock (human nature) to people who share commonalities with us.  We may express interest in someone that is different from us for a short while, based on a temporary infatuation with everything that makes them so different than us.

At the end of the day, who are you most comfortable with ... and why?

We are friendly with our upstairs neighbors ... who were born and raised in India.  We consider ourselves friends with our corner store shopkeepers. We are courteous and respectful towards our staff.

But if you ask me how many friends we have that are locals, the answer is shamefully very small.  Husb is a different story in that he has met so many amazing people through work.

Consider the thoughts of some other expats in Delhi ::

Marina, blogging at Mezze Moments :

From a practical point of view, not many opportunities exist to befriend locals. I don't consider the returning indians on American passports locals, but we do hang out with them more perhaps.

Most people don't have an entry point - its obviously work related sometimes, but if you are in an expat setting you tend to stay in it.

You need to make quite an effort to build those sorts of relationships and "most" people I would say are not interested. There are huge cultural divides which can be appealing but also off putting. 

Frances, who has lived here far longer than most ::

The biggest reason is that it's hard to meet people! Local people are busy with their own lives - family, work, school, all the grown-up responsibilities and challenges of living in this big city - just like people in any country. Living in Delhi is time-consuming: commuting, running a household, taking care of extended-family responsibilities, earning a living take up most people's entire 24 hours each day. Seeking out and making time for a newcomer is hard work, and I haven't seen many people who have time/room in their lives to do that in any city. 

In general, people hang out with people who share a common interest or activity. For most expats, the opportunities to meet locals are fairly limited, really. Of course there are the lucky few who find friends among their local co-workers. But that can be tricky as many expats are here as managers or high-level executives who don't feel comfortable crossing certain lines of formality with the people who work for them. Other lucky expats have friendly landlords or fellow building residents with whom they "click" and form friendships. But where else would a foreigner meet a local person in an atmosphere conducive to starting a friendship?

I've made local friends only by being an active and present parent at our local school - meeting every day at the school gate, attending birthday parties and school functions - and it takes weeks/months/years to build a close friendship based on that kind of casual contact in that often comes in tiny bursts.

From Lynden, otherwise known as "Mrs. Foreigner" ::

This is the aspect of living in Delhi I find the most frustrating - especially when we moved here from Hyderabad where it really was a fully integrated community and actually we had more Indian than expat friends.

One easier answer is, most expats don't hang out with "locals" because they don't have to.  The expat population is vast and varied enough to sustain a great social life.

Most expats employed here come in on the top of the corporate ladder.  Back at home, when the clock strikes 5pm and everyone signs off for the day, no one seems to care what your title is. If you are a good person, fun and interesting then we socialize together.  Here it's not so, if you are the boss you are the boss 24/7 (it changes the crowd/circle you run in).

What say you?  

What is the catalyst for how YOU meet friends?  

Does it matter (regardless of where you're from, or where you're currently living) what nationality someone is?  

If you already have a friendly group of "handy friends" or "convenient pals" due to work, school or another group, do you seek out NEW friends in addition?