Lately, I've been greatly turned off by the lack of listening skills in those that I'm surrounded by. Yep. It's rampant and it's quite disconcerting.
I won't sugar coat it because it's really annoying. I won’t name names … because that’s pointless. But I am going to say it as I see it.
I’ve said before that I’m surprised at the maturity level of some expat women I come across. I am just as bad sometimes, in that I need to curb my whining mouth and complaining lips.
I admit – I have my moments of being all out frustrated and just beside myself with frustrations from living here.
But, I strive to listen. If I do nothing else … I listen.
"Listening - a primitive act of love - is a rare happening among human beings." ~ William Stringfellow
Back to the blog post I referred to earlier written by Corey Allen.
Whether you just found out that your mother is very ill, or that a friend of yours has lost his job, or your house flooded, or you have an issue at work that is just beyond your normal coping mechanisms, or you are just plain weary of something that you think is trivial … don’t you want more than anything for someone to just LISTEN?
You do NOT want the person that you’re lamenting to, to interject their own {bigger and better} stories of how they once slayed that same dragon … or to absent-mindedly nod their head and say random “uh-hum” while they chew at their fingernails. You REALLY don’t want that person to choose to --- while you’re in mid-sentence --- walk away to join another conversation.
Yet that’s what happens a lot here.
You can’t categorically say that this is an illness only carried around by expat women … but it has been my first experience with this kind of phenomenon.
No longer am I tucked into intimate playgroups with women whose children have all grown up together, or running stride-by-stride beside gals that are all training for the same race. Gone are the days where we have annual dates to go strawberry picking and meet at the field for the hot air balloon races.
When you live in a community where most assignments last 2-3 years, the relationships lose the depth and roots that are often part of the friendships that I was accustomed to. Most times, you know very little about your new acquaintances' life and history prior to their arrival into your new host city. The experiences and struggles that make up who you are, are somehow lost in the absence of a history together with another friend - who knows where you've been and what you've overcome.
The girls here – for the most part – fall into four categories
· Survival (when you've just arrived, or have experienced a major change in circumstances)
· Buried (when you are full up with children in school (grades, homework, events, sports, etc.), your commitments to charity, organizations or your own self/household)
· Settled (when you have acclimated the streets of Delhi, found the “meat man” and have neatly scheduled yoga, coffee dates and volunteering time into the hours while your kids are at school)
· Packout (when you know your departure date)
Survival women rightfully are up to their gills in stress. They don’t know which way is up, or how to even dial the phone to get some milk delivered. Nothing is set in place and the kids aren’t sleeping and the last thing on her mind is setting down her own struggles to listen to your own drama.
Buried women aren’t surviving anymore, for they have been here long enough to get around, get meals on the table and know how to call for Dominos in a pinch. Buried women though, have too much on their plates and everytime you call on them for assistance or help, you get cut off when the other phone rings, or when a meeting is about to start, or when the alarm goes off because it’s time for her weekly lunch with her tour group.
Settled women have it all together. Their house is tastefully decorated with the trinkets of their travels and you can get vast information from them … whether it’s where to get the best wine, where to purchase great pashminas or the best new restaurant. They are so settled though, that sometimes sharing your turmoil with them seems to garner the response of “Oh … yes, when I had that …” or “When that happened to me …”
Packout women are on their way OUT. They are burdened with packing, moving, settling accounts, adjusting children, saying goodbyes and … looking forward. They likely do not have much time or attention to give to your woes because they are escaping them!
Now … this is all VERY wide, vague and assumptive of me. But it does correlate to the experience I’ve had over the last year. I’ve been in three of the above categories myself.
One of the MOST attractive things about another human being is their ability and willingness to listen. I’m going to work on it the next couple of months … to listen. JUST listen.
I’m not going to check my phone every 30 seconds for new emails. I will look the other person in the eye while they share their story. I will ask any of my children that accompany me to respectfully let us visit. I will not walk away from a conversation without offering to meet again for coffee.
If you’re moving to Delhi, or have general questions about moving a family overseas, I will listen and attempt to help.
Listening is an art. We all have opinions and experience and advice to share … but first we need to get better at listening.
