GMT, UTC, + 5.5, IST, DST WHAT???

I am attempting to schedule a date with my middle little so that he can Skype one of his bestest friends from Ohio. 

He's been asking ... and I've been procrastinating.

A friend from Delhi asked me (after overhearing Tony ask me AGAIN to Skype his little bud) why I hadn't given in to his wish and scheduled a Skype.  I said ... with 100% honesty ... that I had no idea!

When I woke up on a recent morning, I set out to schedule the long-awaited and much desired Skype ... and then promptly remembered WHY I was putting off the task.

Because it really is annoying to try and figure out what time it is in the States vs. what time it is here ... to effectively schedule a Skype call.

I know ... I should have it memorized ... but even the handy Time Zone Converter doesn't help because India Standard Time (IST) is NOT recognized.  Seriously?

So then I turn to the trusted Google to enlist some help.  But then I just get even more confused and irritated by the UTC, GMT, +5.5 and so on.

There is THIS ... which sheds some light on the subject ...

Question: What is the Timezone in India?

Answer: The timezone in India is UTC/GMT (Coordinated Universal Time/Greenwich Mean Time) +5.5 hours. It's referred to as Indian Standard Time (IST). In general, this makes the time in India 12.5 hours ahead of the west coast of the USA (Los Angeles, San Fransisco, San Diego), 9.5 hours ahead of the east coast of the USA (New York, Florida), 5.5 hours ahead of the UK, and 4.5 hours behind Australia (Melbourne, Sydney, Brisbane).


BUT :: Note that Daylight Saving Time doesn't operate in India. Do make the appropriate adjustment for Daylight Savings Time in your country.

So, like it says, you have to keep in mind that India doesn't recognize Daylight Savings Time.  You also have to keep in mind that I've long forgotten WHEN DST is in effect ... is it spring forward, fall back?  But who the heck remembers WHEN at any point in the year those two events have happened.

So after a matter of time, I end up finding tons of "there's an app for that" suggestions which helps SOME .... but in the end I just decide to make better use of my standard clock app on the iPhone, plug in all of the relevant cities back in the States, plus the new location where friends have relocated all over the world ... and in the end, rely on counting on my fingers ... (backwards and forwards) the number of hours that separate us from different time zones.

I'm proud to report that we now have a Skype date scheduled!



Now, if I could just remember my Skype username and password!

MAKE A DIFFERENCE - INTRODUCTION

Recently, I was honored to be part of an email discussion with folks currently living in Delhi concerning whether a group of children living nearby the American Embassy School would be able to benefit from a program called MAD - Make a Difference.

Easy question to answer, right?  Read on about the MAD program ...

MAD is a youth network, working with orphans and unprivileged kids in India.  Made up of mostly college student volunteers, MAD specifically teaches the English language to children in orphanages, street shelters and poor homes.

During the recent visit of President Obama and the First Lady, the United States Ambassador Timothy Roemer and his wife accompanied them to Mumbai.  During that visit, the First Lady and Mrs. Roemer had the chance to visit a MAD classroom and a passion was born!

Sally Roemer quickly realized that there was a huge missing gap in the education of the children at the Vivekand Camp right here in Delhi.  Because their schooling does not include English (or very little), they are almost destined for being one of the statistics for early dropout, and for a future of unemployment, or employment at a very low wage.

The question that burned on her mind?  

Was it rational to believe a pool of volunteers from our community (mostly parents, quite a few teachers and some high school students) could pull this together, in short order, to bring this same program to the kids ... literally across the street? 

WHAT IS MAD ALL ABOUT?

* taken from the Make A Difference website ::

The Make A Difference project was initiated by a few of us in our second year of college when we saw a large disparity in the way rich and the poor learned. We realized that the system created a gap from the very early years of a child’s life and as time passed by, the gap only increased. We saw a huge untapped resource amongst us youngsters who if provided the right platform were capable of bridging the gap. Hence, twenty of us in the city of Cochin founded Make a Difference with a vision “To bridge the inequality in society through education.”

India has one of the highest drop out rates in the world. Even though over 70% of our children enroll for primary education, 72% of them would have dropped out by the time they reach standard 10. But being first generation learners, education is most critical for this 72%. 

In Make a Difference, we currently focus on India’s urban underprivileged, particularly children in street shelters, orphanages, and poor homes. Our children are street smart, intelligent and mature. Yet hardly any of them get the opportunity to continue their education after 10th. This is primarily due to two reasons.

First is the lack of financial support. Most children are taken care of only till the age of 15, after which they are on their own. The education they receive till then is very generic and provides them with no specific skills, which forces them into doing menial jobs for a living.

Second, and more important reason why even the children who are sponsored cant cope up is the lack of quality education. Our children go to schools where the medium of instruction is in the vernacular language till 10th. But after 10th, the medium is compulsorily in English and most jobs have English language proficiency as one of its basic requirement. Hence even if we are able to sponsor students with good scores for higher education they are unable to cope. The bridge here is the English language.

Our aim is to ensure the underprivileged children are brought into the main stream so they can chose their careers based on their potential and interests and not their financial constraints.

Our MAD English course is a five level program of 100 hours each. Every year our children go though 56 interactive classes of two hour duration. By the end of the 5th level the child’s communication skills will be at par with a private school student. We have an active placements program that runs side by side to keep the children aware of their career options and keep them motivated to study harder.

Our aim is to ensure a 100% retention rate in Indian schools. Currently we work in 11 districts in India with over 800 volunteers, teaching 2500 children (in Cochin, Pune, Delhi, Mumbai, Mangalore, Bangalore, Trivandrum, Hyderabad, Nagpur and Chennai). We plan to reach out to 10,000 children in the coming year.

* * * *

It's hard for me to believe that MAD is amazingly not even SIX YEARS OLD, having been founded in 2006!

The founders of the program started at the YMCA Poor Boys Home in Thrikkakara.  In the beginning there was no focus to the activities done in class. Overtime, a syllabus was developed in association with the TTF (Teacher Training Foundation) and then later on with the help of EZ Vidya.

Starting in 2010, Make A Difference began using Cambridge University Press material in all of their classrooms.  These textbooks take students from a "Starter" workbook/textbook to an Intermediate Level.

If you want to read a brief blurb about the reasons behind Cambridge getting involved (and see some great photos, visit HERE)

* * *

Thank you to the founding members of the MAD organization --- Kavin KK, Jithin C Nedumala, Sujith Abraham Varkey, Santosh Babu, Gloria Benny and Jithin John Varghese --- for seeing a need and filling that gap!  It is absolutely amazing to read about what they have created ... before they even have had a chance to finish their OWN studies.  Just incredible.

For more information about the existing programs :

Photos and Slideshow

Media Highlights

Stay tuned for more on MAD : Vivekand Camp, Delhi !  

I will be posting about the stories, process and integration of the MAD program at Vivekand every Monday for the next couple of months ... I'm looking forward to telling you ALL about it!

A challenge from the Make A Difference group ::  Its time we made a difference ...You felt this when you looked into the boy's eyes who was begging for a one rupee coin,but then you thought what difference could you possibly make...what you are capable of is restricted only by your thoughts....dare to come forward...dare to make a difference and we will show you a million ways to change the world. 

EXPATS ARE NORMAL PEOPLE

The other day, while a friendly nurse chit-chatted to pass the time, she asked our middle little "so where do YOU go to school?"

Yikes.  I sucked in my breath and waited for what seemed like forever to hear what he would reply.

You see, I decided, when we found ourselves in the middle of America where no one knows our names, to not make a big deal out of the fact that we live in India.

When the cashier at the store idly says "so you're buying quite a bit of tampons, that's interesting", I choose to say something like "they're for a project" instead of answering "Yes, recently the import rules changed for Delhi, where we live, and tampons are not easy to find there".  

When the dry cleaning lady (who is just darling, by the way) says "what's your LOCAL number, I can't call long distance when your clothes are ready to be picked up", I just quickly fire off the digits for the hotel, instead of saying "We don't have a local number. We are just here temporarily while we try to get visas processed and renewed."

When the pharmacist asks for our zip code, I struggle to remember which state-side address we're using and spit one out somewhere in Florida, instead of saying "We live in Delhi, India and I doubt you have their postal code in your system."

You see, telling the whole truth opens up a big can of worms.  Life in Nowheresville, Kansas is a lot different than life in Delhi, India.

Or at least everyone thinks it is.

When someone learns that we live in India, they immediately gasp, eyebrows shoot up, and their mouth forms into a perfect little "O". 

"India?  For real?  Like where they ride elephants?  Have you seen the Taj Mahal?"

"That is SOOOOOOOOoooooooooo exciting" ... "Your life must just be so amazing and glamorous." (and other similar sentiments)

The reality for me is that while we do live in a funky and strange location, our day to day life is still filled with the same stuff it was back at home.

Sure, there are some new things added into our daily existence that we would never otherwise experience, but we still discuss our family budget, angst over whether our kids are adjusted and doing well in school, lose socks, pick up dog poop, drink coffee that has been warmed up repeatedly in the microwave and argue about what movie to watch on Saturday nights.

One lady that crossed my path while in Kansas said "everyone here is like this state, just flat.  No one does anything exciting or has any plans or goals past just what restaurant they're eating at this coming weekend."

In my opinion, I could say the same thing about people I encounter in our daily life, back home in Delhi ... except to interject the facts of where everyone goes for travel during a school break, because it is so important to take a break from the daily grind.

You have to make a POINT to not live your life ... flat.  You have to be intentional about waking up every morning and setting a goal for yourself.  It doesn't have to be a crazy ridiculous goal like eliminating urination on the streets of Delhi, or finding a cure for disease, or discovering the next wonder of the world. 

It can be an simple, ordinary moment ... that you successfully turn into magic.  Whether it's helping your kiddo learn to tie his shoes, or calm down a distraught teenager who is experiencing drama with his friends, or stick $20 in the Salvation Army red bucket. 

I am feeling quite full of ideas and possibilities about how to make sure that 2011 isn't a year of living life like the State of Kansas.  It's not about living an extraordinary life in India as an expat.  It's simply about living an extraordinary life ... wherever you are.  Wichita, Cleveland, Omaha, the Bronx, Delhi. 

(Oh, I am rambling today!!)

I tend to not glamorize our current living location or even bring it up that much anymore, because sometimes it gets old droning out the scripted responses to an audience that frankly, loses interest after about the fourth sentence.  

The typical conversation goes like this :

So do you just LOVE it there?

Pat Answer #1 : It is interesting for sure!

What's the weather like?

Pat Answer #2 : It is quite warm, but the winter sure is nice.

What's your favorite thing?

Pat Answer #3 : Oh, definitely the ability to see such new and exciting things.

Really, all I want to do is talk about some great new charity project you've just learned about.  Or discuss your latest favorite song.  Or act as if I don't live where I live, and just talk about normal stuff. 

You know, playdate chatter between moms. 

Kind of on the same topic, yet not at all -- is the topic of polite conversation.  Husb and I have been talking recently about working with our kids about developing their manners when conversing with other people. 

I think I've written about it before, but human nature is to "one up" the person you're talking with, and in a very excited manner, often interrupt your fellow chatter with YOUR own story, experiences or opinions.  We ALL do it ... but I want to know ::

How do you teach a child to listen patiently to someone's story ... and then instead of responding right away with their own stories, pause a moment to ask a question of that person.


Example:  Susie tells you all about the circus she just went to.


Normal response : Oh, I love the circus.  This one time, I went to the BIGGEST circus ever .......... (and on and on and on).


Suggested response : So what was your most favorite part of the circus?


I don't quite know how to end this rambling diatribe, but I just felt like sharing that we are just normal people who happen to live in another country ... encourage you to live an extraordinary life wherever you call home  ... and ask for your opinions on how to curb the habit of over-talking and instead encourage healthy conversation and manners?

What say you?

Interview :: TERRAN

Pauline from Classy Chaos asked recently (a long time ago, actually) if I would share some of the kids' thoughts about living in Delhi, India.

I figured I'd start with the big kid, since it would be the most difficult job ... akin to pulling teeth. I soon realized that it would be easier to start with the littlest little.  Tony will be last, and I'll share his answers in a couple of weeks.


Terran is almost 16 years old (holy moses ... like in 6-weeks-almost!!) and I have to say, has had to make the biggest effort with his adjustment. 

He recently answered some questions for Marie over at Great Expatations.  While not an in-depth interview, I found his answer to the question "What do you think your Mum and Dad worry about the most about bringing you up as an expat kid?" interesting. 

(You can read his answer to that question HERE)

For some more questions and answers ::

1 - What do you appreciate most about living in Delhi? 

The lower prices (Obviously he isn't the one doing the grocery shopping!) and never ending adventure. I have a more free social life because my mom doesn't have to drive me everywhere. I also like having so many different cultures and experiences around me.

2 - What is your favorite thing you've seen?   

Most people say the Taj Mahal.  It was pretty cool, but not my favorite thing.  The intricacy and the design was really neat, especially in the chamber room area.  The gates surrounding the coffins were cool.  It was interesting how amazingly cool the temperature was compared to the crazy heat outside, even at midday

. 

My all time favorite thing was the small hill town from our base camp on my mini course trip with school. One side was all mountains, other side was a hill station village. Really cool.

3 - What do you wish you could erase from your memory?

Ehhhh - that's hard to say.  I'm not really sure I'd erase anything.  Everything I've seen is what makes me what I am now.  Before, when we first got to Delhi, I would have said that I wouldn't want to see all of the things I've seen (poverty, death, begging) but now it's like "whatever".  It doesn't affect me anymore.  I don't see it and think "I just can't see this anymore"

4 - Was it easier to make friends in Delhi or in Ohio?

I can't really say because I changed alot as a person when I moved to Delhi.

5 - What do you miss the MOST about living in the United States?

The food and just the normality of it all, I guess.

6 - Where would you choose (outside of the U.S.) to visit.

I'd like to go to Russia or Thailand.

7 - Where would you choose (outside of the United States) to live for an extended amount of time?

Definitely Italy.

8 - Where do you want to go to college, or start your career?

United States - no doubt.  Ohio!!

9 - What don't you like about living as an expat ... and the expat lifestyle/community?

Bratty kids and stuck up parents ... they go hand in hand.   I already had issues with "popular kids" in the states.  Since getting to Delhi, some expat kids are just worse. Like, I don't really care where all you've lived or what your dad does.  If you're cool, then we're cool to hang out.

10 - What would surprise people about your life since moving to Delhi?

I guess pretty much everything.  It's India.  Everything is different and always changing.  It's a world apart from the United States.  You can go down the road one day and see a boy who is starving.  The next day you see a cross-dresser.  The next day you see a wedding party on the same corner. Another day you see an elephant, monkeys or cows.  There are bright colors and men urinating on the streets.  The visual scenery is always different.


There you have it.  Terran's answers to some common questions about life in Delhi.  Did anything surprise you?  Seem strange or completely normal?

 

 

LISTENING IS AN ART.

In April, I read this post - 10 Ways to Instantly Become More Attractive - and loved it.  Click over and read it.  It's good stuff! 

Lately, I've been greatly turned off by the lack of listening skills in those that I'm surrounded by.  Yep.  It's rampant and it's quite disconcerting.  

I won't sugar coat it because it's really annoying.  I won’t name names … because that’s pointless.  But I am going to say it as I see it.

I’ve said before that I’m surprised at the maturity level of some expat women I come across.  I am just as bad sometimes, in that I need to curb my whining mouth and complaining lips.

I admit – I have my moments of being all out frustrated and just beside myself with frustrations from living here.

But, I strive to listen.  If I do nothing else … I listen.

"Listening - a primitive act of love - is a rare happening among human beings."   ~ William Stringfellow

Back to the blog post I referred to earlier written by Corey Allen.

Whether you just found out that your mother is very ill, or that a friend of yours has lost his job, or your house flooded, or you have an issue at work that is just beyond your normal coping mechanisms, or you are just plain weary of something that you think is trivial … don’t you want more than anything for someone to just LISTEN?

You do NOT want the person that you’re lamenting to, to interject their own {bigger and better} stories of how they once slayed that same dragon … or to absent-mindedly nod their head and say random “uh-hum” while they chew at their fingernails.  You REALLY don’t want that person to choose to --- while you’re in mid-sentence --- walk away to join another conversation.

Yet that’s what happens a lot here. 

You can’t categorically say that this is an illness only carried around by expat women … but it has been my first experience with this kind of phenomenon.

No longer am I tucked into intimate playgroups with women whose children have all grown up together, or running stride-by-stride beside gals that are all training for the same race.  Gone are the days where we have annual dates to go strawberry picking and meet at the field for the hot air balloon races.   

When you live in a community where most assignments last 2-3 years, the relationships lose the depth and roots that are often part of the friendships that I was accustomed to.  Most times, you know very little about your new acquaintances' life and history prior to their arrival into your new host city. The experiences and struggles that make up who you are, are somehow lost in the absence of a history together with another friend - who knows where you've been and what you've overcome.

The girls here – for the most part – fall into four categories

·        Survival (when you've just arrived, or have experienced a major change in circumstances)

·        Buried (when you are full up with children in school (grades, homework, events, sports, etc.), your commitments to charity, organizations or your own self/household)

·        Settled (when you have acclimated the streets of Delhi, found the “meat man” and have neatly scheduled yoga, coffee dates and volunteering time into the hours while your kids are at school)

·        Packout (when you know your departure date)

  

When you fall into one of those four categories, there is always an excuse, a reason, not to listen. 

Survival women rightfully are up to their gills in stress.  They don’t know which way is up, or how to even dial the phone to get some milk delivered.  Nothing is set in place and the kids aren’t sleeping and the last thing on her mind is setting down her own struggles to listen to your own drama.

Buried women aren’t surviving anymore, for they have been here long enough to get around, get meals on the table and know how to call for Dominos in a pinch.  Buried women though, have too much on their plates and everytime you call on them for assistance or help, you get cut off when the other phone rings, or when a meeting is about to start, or when the alarm goes off because it’s time for her weekly lunch with her tour group.

Settled women have it all together.  Their house is tastefully decorated with the trinkets of their travels and you can get vast information from them … whether it’s where to get the best wine, where to purchase great pashminas or the best new restaurant.  They are so settled though, that sometimes sharing your turmoil with them seems to garner the response of “Oh … yes, when I had that …” or “When that happened to me …”

Packout women are on their way OUT.  They are burdened with packing, moving, settling accounts, adjusting children, saying goodbyes and … looking forward.  They likely do not have much time or attention to give to your woes because they are escaping them!

Now … this is all VERY wide, vague and assumptive of me.  But it does correlate to the experience I’ve had over the last year.  I’ve been in three of the above categories myself.

One of the MOST attractive things about another human being is their ability and willingness to listen.  I’m going to work on it the next couple of months … to listen.  JUST listen. 

I’m not going to check my phone every 30 seconds for new emails.  I will look the other person in the eye while they share their story.  I will ask any of my children that accompany me to respectfully let us visit.  I will not walk away from a conversation without offering to meet again for coffee. 

If you’re moving to Delhi, or have general questions about moving a family overseas, I will listen and attempt to help.

Listening is an art.  We all have opinions and experience and advice to share … but first we need to get better at listening.

The magic of a mali

Recently the kids celebrated Earth Day at school, and Tony brought home a small pot, filled with dirt - with strict instructions to me that I remind him to water it EVERY day.

Easy enough!

We watered it for a couple of days ... and even though he understands the plant cycles, Tony was growing incredibly frustrated with the lack of visible signs of growth.

Enter Mali.  I'm a bit embarrassed to admit that I still don't know the sweet man's name.  (Awhile back, I asked Kushal what his name was (as Mali means gardener) and even HE didn't know, although they've worked together for many, many years).

On an every-other-day basis, Mali takes a break from his outdoor gardening duty and comes inside to water plants.  The instant he walked inside a couple of days ago, Tony excitedly said "I'm going to ask him to water my plant!"

I explained - very simply - that Mali might not understand what he was saying (as he speaks VERY limited English).  Tony responded quickly that he would just "speak the way Mali would understand."

Tony ran up to Mali - cradling the little pot,  naked of any signs of life - and tried to communicate his request that Mali water the little seed he'd planted inside the dirt.

Mali nodded, smiled and put up one finger, as if to say 'one minute.'

He disappeared out the front door ... and Tony turned to me with a huge smile on his face.

Just a minute or two later, Mali re-entered the house ... with this ::

Just WHAT does a parent say to THAT?

Mali was so proud of himself.  He thought Tony was asking him to plant something in his barren little pot.  Tony was asking him to simply water the seed.

I can't possibly convey the humor in this experience with you all, but I was stifling a giggle for the remainder of the evening!

(The next morning, we tried - in vain - to explain to Tony that our Mali was not MAGIC ... he only misunderstood our direction and request ... but the little dude isn't buying it!  He asked me to print pictures of his magic plant to show his classmates at school!)

On another note, there was also a recent situation where Tony asked Shanti for graham crackers.  Typically, the kids like to eat them - all crushed up - with milk ... a delicious snack courtesy of my grandfather's creativity.  (The post about Shanti's homemade graham crackers is another post waiting to be written!)

Tony recently ran into the kitchen and asked Shanti for graham crackers.  Easy enough, right?

Shanti has the memory of an elephant and because previously, the kids had explained how they like their graham crackers with milk, she proceeded to get out the bowls and the milk.  Tony very angrily said to her, "NO Shanti, I want graham crackers with FROSTING inside ... like a sandwich."

Talk about a teaching moment for a parent!

I marched into the kitchen and first asked Tony to apologize to Shanti for speaking to her that way ... and then guided him through the discussion, whereby he was directed to explain EXACTLY what he wanted, and that he needed to be clear when he asked for her to prepare something for him.  I explained that unless he was clear with his request, he couldn't expect to get good results, or to receive what he wanted or needed.

There are some serious learning curves for me here as a mama.  Some learning lessons for ME.  When you hear yourself saying out loud, the very things YOU yourself need to work on, it is oh so humbling.

Tomorrow, madam

I try to be a patient person.

Really, I do.

In fact, I just posted recently about how I think Delhi might just change me into a patient person. 

There are loud guffaws right now coming from the other side of the Husb's computer as he reads this post .... "Naomi?  Patient?""

I am SO SO SO SO TIRED, FED UP and DONE with hearing the words "tomorrow, madam"

There ... I've said it.

I try not to just vent or be frustrated on this blog, because there IS a moral to most every story, and most often - if I'm willing to look for it - a lesson can be learned.

But in this case, I'm at my wit's end and just pissed off and angry.

If I need something ... I am willing to wait for the appropriate date/time.  If something needs to be repaired, I don't really expect it to be TODAY ...  if I pick something out at the market and ask it to be delivered, I don't really need it TODAY.

But if you say "TOMORROW" then it damn well better be here TOMORROW.

I don't have enough fingers and toes on this body to count the times I've been told "tomorrow" repeatedly for days on end.

What typically happens is something like this :

Day 1 : I ask Shanti to call Alpha Flames to have more cooking gas cylinders ordered for the house.

Day 2 : I forget completely about this request, because Shanti will "just handle" this aspect of my life.

Day 3 : Shanti meekly says to me "Ma'am, the gas cylinder has not come."  I say "can you call again?"

Day 4 : Shanti says (again, very meekly) "Ma'am, I've called 4 times and still no gas cylinders."

Day 5 : I ask Shanti whether we have cooking gas and she says "No, and we are nearly out of gas."  I then call Alpha Flames dude and after five telephone calls whereby either the call is lost or our voices are garbled, I finally reach the main guy in charge.  After arguing for 10 minutes about the cooking gas cylinders, he promises ... TOMORROW.

Day 6 : No gas cylinders.  I am pretty much frustrated at this point because it seems you have to get just ANGRY and screaming to get anything done. So I get angry, start screaming and yelling.  Again?  Am promised TOMORROW.   Shweeeeeew! (I think to myself)  I took care of THAT (I again think to myself).

Day 7 : NO FREAKING CYLINDERS.  Seriously?

 * * *

Maybe what frustrates me is that I've a list of things a mile long of things that are to happen TOMORROW.   I need an assistant to keep track of all of the items on the punch list that were promised to be done tomorrow ... but will likely still be waiting to be checked off two weeks from now.

Is it possible to live in this city and maintain a normal heart rate when trying to get things done?  Do you at some point master the ability to "act pissed" just long enough to get your way ... and then resume what you were previously doing without missing a beat?

If you ask most people, you hear that you HAVE to be pushy to get what you need.  You have to "stand on their heads" to make sure it's done right.  You have to get upset, yell and be mad in order to have things completed.

Maybe instead of letting my blood pressure raise to a boiling point, I just need to plaster a stupid smile on my face, and the next time I hear that word ... simply nod and say "Tika Acha."

How to "move-proof" your marriage - Part Theen

[Read Part Do (i.e. Part Two) HERE  ... and Part Ek (i.e. Part One) HERE]


What India has already taught me [a/k/a what I've learned during this move to Delhi, and how it relates to marriage as I know it ... a SAHM with two littles and a big kid at home, with a very hard-working husband] :

3.  STATE YOUR INTENTIONS.


This really does seem like an obvious and you may roll your eyes when you read this, but a good marriage -- in my eyes -- is based largely on both parties clearly stating their intentions.  If you want something, for goodness sakes, say so.

 

courtesy of thiseclecticlife's Flickr page

If you want a date night out with your man, and don't want to make any of the arrangements ... say so.  Then when he DOES make all of the plans, graciously do NOT whine or grimace about ANY of them!


If you want him to help unload the dishwasher so that YOU can read a bedtime story to the kids without the nasty dishes on the to-do list, say so (and then do NOT gripe about how he loaded the durned thing.)

If you need him to just listen to you and not offer any advice (because a good man knows how to FIX things ... ) just SAY "babe, I need you to just listen to me."

There have been countless moments through this relocation process that have made both of our heads spin ... and during all of those moments, I began to realize that we worked together better when I took a breath, thought for a minute and then SPOKE my needs to him. 

I have spent way too many years of our marriage assuming that he would just KNOW what I wanted or needed.  Isn't that what marriage is about, after all?  Meeting the man of your dreams who knows your every whim and dream?

It has been a slow and sometimes painful road for both of us to the place where I now know that my darling dear cannot possibly guess what twisted and manic wishes/desires are rolling around in my head.


I need to verbalize and SAY what I need to say.  Instead I too often got soo irritated because he didn't respond appropriately (said the little voice in my head) or do what I wanted him to do (mind you, I never let him in on that secret)  --- never realizing that the problem laid with me.  How on earth is he supposed to guess blindly at what I needed?

When I truly take a moment to think through what I need ... and then speak it out loud ... magic happens.  


Is it easy for you to state your intentions?  Does it come naturally to you, or do you have to work at it?

How to "move-proof" your marriage - Part Ek

I originally started writing this weeks ago.  I saved it as I wrote but then realized that it was much too long for ONE post. Part Ek (Hindi for ONE) is posted today ... and the remaining three segments will be posted on Fridays for the next three weeks.


What India has already taught me [a/k/a what I've learned during this move to Delhi, and how it relates to marriage as I know it ... a SAHM with two littles and a big kid at home, with a very hard-working husband] :

MAKE TIME.

Let's face it and be honest ... when one spouse is working and the other is at home with the kids, there never really is a "good" time to talk during the day.  Truthfully, even when evening approaches, time doesn't magically make itself available either.  Even more damaging to efforts at communication is a 9.5 hour time difference.

I've learned that in order for communication to happen, and actually flourish, both parties have to MAKE TIME.  You don't necessarily have to make time ... at the same time.  But the effort does need to be made.

When you phone your husband, understand that he might not be able to make the time right at that moment.  He may be in the middle of changing oil, performing a root canal, negotiating a contract or in the middle of a therapy session (or whatever it is your hubby does).  You don't have any control over how his day progresses or entails, no matter how pressing YOUR issue happens to be.

What you DO have control over though, is making time when HE calls YOU to carve out even 5 minutes to concentrate your energy on listening to what he has to say.

Yes, I know.  You might be in the middle of making lunch, homework or refereeing an argument.  Even more disconcerting, you may be in the process of herding your children out to the car for an outing.  You may have just hung up from an hour on the phone with your electric company arguing about a bill or just finished speaking with a teacher about a behavior issue. There's also a huge possibility that when he calls that you're in the middle of a diaper change, cleaning up vomit from one of your pets or knee deep in laundry.

Whatever you are doing, make the conscious effort -- if you can --  to STOP what you're doing ... and listen.  I am still working on learning how to effectively verbalize to Todd that sometimes I really can't devote any time to a phone conversation (because of circumstances on my end of the phone) ... and there are some times when he WISHES I'd just not answered the phone (when the kids are screaming banshees!).

I need to make more of an effort to explain quickly that I will be able to talk ... after I finish changing a diaper, or get the kids loaded up in the car.  Then I've effectively communicated where I'm at in my day and we can hopefully have a good conversation, maybe just a bit later in the day.

Another thing we have learned and put in place - actually long before India came about -- is a "two ring system."  If I call Husb during the day at work and he doesn't answer, we have put a system into place whereby I call again right away. If I've "rung twice," it means that I need him to call me back ASAP, step out of a meeting, or otherwise make himself available to me.

The conversation that happens in those five minutes can either be positive or negative.  Might as well give it a go to ensure that they are positive!

What tips and tricks do you have for making time in your marriages and relationships?

Sharma Says.

Email from Todd this morning :


OK - just had my first visit with a Sharma at the bank. He has predicted my future and provided advice.

I asked him three questions;

1st - will my children be successful?
Answer - very much so. He said that I should not be concerned with this as they will all be successful early in life.

2nd - how long will I be in India.
Answer - two years

3rd - is there a way to change this if I wanted to stay longer
Answer - yes, I would need to have someone pray at the temple for a month because I am not of the faith and that this will change the planet Saturns approach (Saturn is the bad planet). I also should not buy anything "metal in nature" on Saturdays and never look into the oil of the lanterns carried by the children on behalf of saturn - the evil.

Boy - I am glad that is settled .

Short and sweet ...

Email received just now from Todd :

"Elephant. Just walked right out. Hard to see it believe it or not - they blend in with the dark and dust. "

You are laughing about this, right along with me, right?

Just wondering ...

After an EXHAUSTING and maddening phone call with the customer service department of Microsoft XBox, I vented my frustration on my Facebook page and with Twitter.  As some responses came in, I started wondering about some things.  Mostly wondering about some things that concern ME and who I am.

The word prejudice is described as follows:

prej-u-dice

n.

1.

a. An adverse judgment/opinion formed beforehand or without knowledge/examination of the facts.

b. A preconceived preference or idea.

2. The act or state of holding unreasonable preconceived judgments or convictions. 

3. Irrational suspicion or hatred of a particular group, race, or religion.

4. Detriment/injury caused to a person by the preconceived/unfavorable conviction of others.

I've always held myself out as a person who is NOT prejudiced.  After all, I have a black father, a white mother, an adopted brother, was a teen mother, a homeschooled student, obtained my GED at the age of 30.  I should be the poster child for someone who is NOT prejudiced.  I have always felt that I gave others the benefit of the doubt and didn't lump people together simply based on their skin color, religious preferences, voting habits or the way they talk.

Recent events have made me question my stand on whether or not I'm prejudiced.

Is it prejudice if it is simply aggravation?  Is it prejudice if your reaction is one of irritation because of circumstances and not a direct action that you take in acting ON that prejudice?


As you are well aware, most companies reroute their Customer Service and Call Centers to India.

Outsourced was a movie that was recommended to us several times over.  The summary is as follows:

When the call center he manages in Seattle is outsourced to India, Todd travels there to train his replacement. Housed in a new building that looks like an above-ground bunker, the call center is staffed by willing novices whom Todd trains to sound American. One star on the staff is Asha, who teaches Todd that he should learn about India, and proceeds to do just that.

One of the key phrases that stuck in my head was when Todd (otherwise known as Mr. Toad) attempted to teach the India natives about understanding the United States.  The only purpose of the call center was to sell merchandise similar to what you might find at Oriental Trading Company or Collectibles, Etc. and Todd said to his employees "You must learn USA."

He went on to explain that he couldn't really tell them why someone would buy a cheesehead made out of foam, or why there is such a thing manufactured as a portable hotdog roaster, but he said "it doesn't matter, you simply need to learn USA."  He also pointed out that many Americans are angry about jobs being outsourced ... and when they were asked where they were located, the Indians should respond "Chicaaahhhhgo" and if asked "what's the weather like", their response should be "oh, very windy, sir."

The catch phrase of this particular scene was when Asha, the female star of the movie said in response "No, Mr. Toad - YOU must learn INDIA."

That phrase has resonated deep in my heart ... I must learn India.  I need to teach my kiddos how to "learn India."

But am I a hypocrite if I want very badly to "learn India" but yet I sometimes can't stand to have a phone conversation during a customer service call?

Am I bound for trouble and likely to begin to hate that "lilted accent" when we arrive, when we are surrounded by the language barrier?

If you read my blog, but haven't yet weighed in with a comment, I'd love to hear from you. Whether you are currently living in India, or can't imagine ever relocating there ... give me your opinions.

What does "prejudice" mean to you.  Can someone NOT be prejudiced, but yet still harbor an annoyance for anything different than what they are accustomed to?

Looking forward to a healthy debate ... because I'm wondering.

VOIP & Skype

I literally learn something new every day through this process.

I have been scouring other blogs in the hopes of learning about the various telephone options for us in India.

Most important on this week's list has been figuring out a way for us to communicate with Todd for the three months we'll be separated. 

We've learned alot about Skype and Todd has ordered a webcam for his laptop.  We plan to video chat OFTEN, video chat SILLY and video chat bedtime stories!

We've learned alot about VOIP (Voice Over Internet Protocol) .. actually MORE than I need to know.  Vonage is truly a COOL thing.  I'm excited to try it out AND have "free" phone calls back home!

I'm not one to sign up for anything on the first go-round though.  I get my information, think on it a bit, cost compare and talk it over with Todd.  In a grand gesture of amazing customer service, I received 7 phone calls from Vonage, after my initial fact-finding call of this morning.  They really want to make sure they get you signed up!

It was a good thing though, really.  We ended up with all normal start-up costs waived, and the VOIP device is even being shipped to us for free.  Score.  Or maybe everyone gets that "deal", and they just like to make you feel special?

We've got a cool new number, which allows us to make FREE calls to the Vonage number (which Todd will have in India with him) from our (440) area code.  For those of you outside of the (440) area code, normal long distance fees will apply when you call (NO international crazy fees here!).

Once Todd arrives and gets settled, I'll pass along the new Vonage number to friends/family.  If you're so inclined, download Skype and get it ready to rock on your computer.  It's another free service - allowing you to have regualr chats, video chats and supposedly computer-to-computer calls as well.

The information/technology highway is a cool thing indeed!

ON HINDI, DRIVERS AND TELEVISION

Some questions ... and my answers ::

but first ... a plea and request for you readers?

If you leave a comment and we've not communicated previously, would you kindly include your email address?  I love to form bonds with you through return emails, but often time have no way of doing so.  In the alternative, you can always reach me via gemgem76@gmail.com!  Would love to chat!

On to the questions ...

Do you employ a driver.  If so, how did you find them and find someone reliable?

We actually have two drivers.  One for Todd and his work needs, and a separate driver for the kids and I.  We are a busy family with our schedules with school, after-curricular activities, and I do the majority of our grocery shopping, so it is pretty necessary to have two.

We were lucky in that we acquired the staff of a family who was leaving, and Kushal has been their trustworthy driver for YEARS.  We adore him and are very lucky to have him.  He is kind, slow to speak, quick to react and I trust him implicity with our daily comings and goings [I will be blogging in more detail about our two drivers in the weeks to come]

There are SEVERAL avenues by which to find employees, and if you need help in the Delhi area, send me an email and I'll point you in the right direction!

What kind of television options do you have?  Cable?

We have "similar channels" as what you are used to in the US (HBO for one ..) but the programming is WAY different and seemingly pretty archaic in when movies are released and played, etc.  From what I've found, most seasonal tv shows (House, Greys Anatomy, 24, what have you) are all a season behind.  Children's programming is also a bit selective as many of the shows are in Hindi.  Our kids are glad to watch cartoons in Hindi, but you can only do that for so long  :)

It tends to be a bit frustrating BUT there is really SO little time to watch TV in the first place, that I haven't missed it much at all .... you hit the ground running first thing in the morning and by the time evening comes, there is no excess energy except to fall into bed and hope you remember to get the lights turned off first!!

How many Indians speak English, or at least enough for you to communicate with them? 

This is simply MY observation, but I'd guess 50% speak very good English.  Enough to be able to aptly communicate without a large gap of "lost in translation"  I'd say that another 25% speak very broken English ... where pencil drawings and hand motions are needed to get my request relayed. 

What I typically do in the situations where communication is a barrier is simply take Kushal along and we instantly have no problems!

Will you learn to speak Hindi?

I am very interested in learning basic Hindi, but have decided to put it on the back burner until there is a time that I feel a bit more balanced and settled.  I have made a list of priorities - both for the kids, for me individually, and for Todd and I.  Learning the language is (honestly) near the very bottom of that list.  I don't want to be ignorant and refuse to learn the language, but I know myself well enough to know that it should not and will not be a priority right now.

Having said that - I am picking up phrases and words here and there from our staff, as well as from the littles.  They are like SPONGES!