Proud to have a guest post by Marie Brice today on Delhi Bound. I found Marie's blog, Great Expatations, in a search for "adjusting to being an expat" and have really enjoyed her writing and the way she shares of her experiences.
Marie is a New Zealander and a seasoned expatriate with 22 moves under her belt and a life coaching business that caters specifically for expats. She is writing 52 weeks worth of tips for living an easier, happier, fuller and more rewarding expat life.
Rudyard Kipling, who was born in Bombay, unwittingly created what is for some, the expat mantra...
All the people like us are we, and everyone else is They.
One of my most vivid memories of my time in Mumbai is sitting around a table laden with Christmas dinner treats with about 16 expats from every nationality imaginable - except India. We were all 'well-heeled' and dressed for the part and we ate our ridiculously expensive turkey overlooking a view of ordinary Bombay life passing by the window outside.
The topic of conversation was typical of almost any group of expats in almost any location in the world - what was 'wrong' with the place, what should be done to 'fix' it and how much better everything would be if only they did what 'we' thought 'they' should do. I tire of this conversation very quickly these days, however on this occasion, I recall being suddenly thrust back in time and struck by a distinctive image that would not leave me.
An image of a similar well-heeled group of expats gathered around a similar Christmas dinner table some 200 years previously in colonial Anglo-Indian times - most likely having exactly the same discussion! And look where all that had gotten 'them'.
Throughout India, and may other previously 'conquered' countries, you can find a wonderful array of decaying buildings, some interesting colloquialisms, a dearth of beauracracy and several other strange remnants of the British (and other) Empires. In most cases, these things are all that remains of that tireless endeavor to 'fix' what they believed was broken.
And this habit 'we' have of seeing what is broken happens in every country - not just developing countries. Even in the USA, Europeans, South Americans and people from most other nationalities are quite vocal about what is wrong and what needs to be fixed here. And lets face it, every country, culture, language, lifestyle - whatever you want to label it - has strengths and challenges, every single on of 'them'. None of us have it right.
So why do we focus on what is broken rather than what is working?
This has begun to be my new expat mantra - to not be swayed by what is wrong with a country or people or place but to focus my gaze on what is right, what is working, what is possible and what is needed or wanted to enhance that.
When you talk with people and not at them, when you listen more than you speak and when you really hear what it is they are saying, you have a starting point. From there you can ask 'What do you want to do?', 'How would you like to do that?', and 'What help do you want or need?' With great emphasis on the words, you, want or need... because at the end of the day, how many people do we inflict our help, advice and assistance on when they do not really want it?
Developmental psychology clearly states that people, cultures and even countries need to develop in an orderly fashion and need scaffolding and support that is appropriate to the developmental phase. If this occurs in such a fashion, the organism gently develops through the process itself. The journey is the in the learning and the incremental step-taking. Who on earth are we to try to speed that process up - or indeed, enable the skipping of certain critical phases which leads to developmental flaws and future failures that inhibit growth?
As expats, we are gifted with the chance to be a part of another culture for short or long periods of time. As human beings we can not and should not change behavior, we can only influence it - so surely all we can do is make a difference wherever we are on the terms of those around us.
Imagine if everyone did that. Everyone.
Pink Floyd, like Mr Kipling were great literary geniuses, and also have something profound to say about ...
Us and them
and after all we're only ordinary men
me and you
(Thanks Marie!! If you readers are interested in her amazing and helpful tips, check out Great Expatations! Worthy time spent reading.)
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