ADAM'S MAMA SAYS ... (a guest post!)

Guest posting time!  

Elizabeth shared this with me and I wanted to share it to you all.  

Elizabeth is the mama to a sweet little boy who is our middle little's best friend.  Best friend ever over the last two years!

Introducing, Elizabeth ::

Okay, if I really knew the secrets of expat bliss I’d have turned this post into a book, sold it to a publisher, and would already been sipping a Bellini at a swanky hotel poolside on my book tour.

But I digress…I hope my shards of collected experience will help your time in India be better for YOU.  That’s all any of us get – the chance to make this experience the best it can be for our family, and if what I’ve lived can help anyone coming after us, then I’ve paid it forward.

I believe that everything you hear about India is simultaneously true and false.  Which is a version of reality that can take some getting used to.  One week, one day, heck sometimes one hour will show you opulence and poverty, joy and abject grief, riotous beauty and revolting filth.  It will make your head spin.

--So my first piece of advice is to take it easy on yourself and on your family.  

Even if you’re an experienced expat, adjusting to India takes time.  A lot more time than you expect.  My unscientific research based on talking to lots of expats over 4 years suggests that feeling at home here takes twice as long on average than anyplace else they have lived.  The good news here is that the same “research” data suggests that India is a place where most expats feel they make more close local friends than anywhere else they have lived, but all in all, expect this to be a more time consuming and perhaps harder settling in journey than you expect.

--Activities, especially kid’s activities.  

Don’t believe the hype.  A lot is available.  And a lot of it is poorly organized and not fun for the kids.  Look for the real gems, which are out there, and don’t follow the herd.  Your kids will be happier and so will you.  I’m sure the example I’m choosing will generate a lot of hate mail, but here goes.  A prime example of this is the DIFL soccer league.  The sign up process is like applying to an Ivy League college, the coaching is non existent, and for my money, any elementary school aged sports program shouldn’t permit shouting at the kids.

A little research led me to the amazing PFC soccer program at the British School sports field and rekindled my son’s love affair with team sports.  So I guess my bottom line here is don’t do “what everyone else is doing” for kid activities – there are alternatives and they take more work to find than in some other expat environments, but it is well worth it.

--Household Staff.  

Here is another area where it pays to take your time.   It sounds so glamorous – a cook to fix whatever your heart desires, someone to drive you anywhere you want to go, never having to clean a toilet.  I totally believed the hype and before I arrived in India I agreed to take over the entire 5 person household staff of my predecessor and promptly added a 6th person (since as a full time working mom I needed a nanny).  And I have lived to regret it and want to save you from my mistakes.

Live here for a month or so and figure out what you really need for help before you become the social safety net/bank/home for a village.  Living in an expat community takes away a lot of privacy to begin with and live in staff means never being alone.

It also means taking on the problems of a lot of other people.

If I could do it again I’d take my time, get settled in, and then see what the reality of my “never lifting a finger” fantasy looks like in the light of the Delhi sun.

For me that would have meant hiring a nanny (no way around that as a full time working parent) and someone to do some food shopping/prep and a 3rd person to drive (since Delhi traffic is tough and parking is virtually non existent) and I’d have them work limited set hours Monday through Friday only.  That would be my ideal , maybe not yours.

My advice is:  Take the time to settle into your life here, see what help you want, and then and only then commit to the virtual adoption process that is employing household staff.

--Privacy.  

This is the hardest part for most people to get used to.  No more privacy – not at home, not at school, not on the weekends.  No matter how much you try to expand your orbit, this is the smallest expat community I’ve ever been a part of.  True story – I have a yahoo account under a pseudonym and this morning I got an email on that account addressed to my real name from someone in another country who referenced my Embassy employment and asked for help with a visa case.

Admittedly I live a more public life than most because of my work, but another expat truth from life in India is the need to adjust to a whole new level of small town life.  No advice for this one apart from letting you know it’s there.

And maybe encouraging everyone to be kind.

It is so easy to feel you know the whole story about everything happening to everyone because of Delhi’s expat fishbowl, but I’d say it’s as true here as anywhere else that you really don’t know what goes on in someone else’s family.

Gandhi said that satisfaction lies in the effort, not in the attainment.  India as an expat is all about the effort.

So go forth with equal measures of gusto and reserve and India will reward you with memories and friendships for a lifetime.

US & THEM

Proud to have a guest post by Marie Brice today on Delhi Bound.  I found Marie's blog, Great Expatations, in a search for "adjusting to being an expat" and have really enjoyed her writing and the way she shares of her experiences.

Marie is a New Zealander and a seasoned expatriate with 22 moves under her belt and a life coaching business that caters specifically for expats.  She is writing 52 weeks worth of tips for living an easier, happier, fuller and more rewarding expat life.  

Rudyard Kipling, who was born in Bombay, unwittingly created what is for some, the expat mantra...  

All the people like us are we, and everyone else is They.

One of my most vivid memories of my time in Mumbai is sitting around a table laden with Christmas dinner treats with about 16 expats from every nationality imaginable - except India. We were all 'well-heeled' and dressed for the part and we ate our ridiculously expensive turkey overlooking a view of ordinary Bombay life passing by the window outside. 

The topic of conversation was typical of almost any group of expats in almost any location in the world - what was 'wrong' with the place, what should be done to 'fix' it and how much better everything would be if only they did what 'we' thought 'they' should do.  I tire of this conversation very quickly these days, however on this occasion, I recall being suddenly thrust back in time and struck by a distinctive image that would not leave me.  

An image of a similar well-heeled group of expats gathered around a similar Christmas dinner table some 200 years previously in colonial Anglo-Indian times - most likely having exactly the same discussion! And look where all that had gotten 'them'. 

Throughout India, and may other previously 'conquered' countries, you can find a wonderful array of decaying buildings, some interesting colloquialisms, a dearth of beauracracy and several other strange remnants of the British (and other) Empires. In most cases, these things are all that remains of that tireless endeavor to 'fix' what they believed was broken.

And this habit 'we' have of seeing what is broken happens in every country - not just developing countries. Even in the USA, Europeans, South Americans and people from most other nationalities are quite vocal about what is wrong and what needs to be fixed here. And lets face it, every country, culture, language, lifestyle - whatever you want to label it - has strengths and challenges, every single on of 'them'.  None of us have it right.  

So why do we focus on what is broken rather than what is working?

This has begun to be my new expat mantra - to not be swayed by what is wrong with a country or people or place but to focus my gaze on what is right, what is working, what is possible and what is needed or wanted to enhance that. 

When you talk with people and not at them, when you listen more than you speak and when you really hear what it is they are saying, you have a starting point. From there you can ask 'What do you want to do?', 'How would you like to do that?', and 'What help do you want or need?'  With great emphasis on the words, you, want or need... because at the end of the day, how many people do we inflict our help, advice and assistance on when they do not really want it?

Developmental psychology clearly states that people, cultures and even countries need to develop in an orderly fashion and need scaffolding and support that is appropriate to the developmental phase.  If this occurs in such a fashion,  the organism gently develops through the process itself. The journey is the in the learning and the incremental step-taking. Who on earth are we to try to speed that process up - or indeed, enable the skipping of certain critical phases which leads to developmental flaws and future failures that inhibit growth?

As expats, we are gifted with the chance to be a part of another culture for short or long periods of time. As human beings we can not and should not change behavior, we can only influence it - so surely all we can do is make a difference wherever we are on the terms of those around us. 

Imagine if everyone did that. Everyone. 

Pink Floyd, like Mr Kipling were great literary geniuses, and also have something profound to say about ...

Us and them
and after all we're only ordinary men
me and you

(Thanks Marie!!  If you readers are interested in her amazing and helpful tips, check out Great Expatations!  Worthy time spent reading.)

Borrowing ...

Written VERY well by Catriona Ling and published in the UK Telegraph, she shares about her family's experience with living internationally ...

Originally published HERE ... but copied here for your ease:

Our ceaseless globetrotting is hard for the children

One expat tells of the heartache - and joy - of being part of a family that has made a habit of moving to new frontiers

By Catriona Ling
Published: 5:54PM BST 12 May 2009

"I once knew a girl who lived in America. Her life was great. She had a good house, good friends and a great school. She was carrying on with her life. One night a company rang up. Then her dad said she had to move to Australia."

This was part of a speech that my middle daughter wrote a year after we left the suburbs of New York for Sydney. Reading it still makes my stomach clench with parental guilt. All three of our children, who were then five, eight and 10, found leaving America traumatic, mainly because they had had such a happy three years there.

For our eldest daughter, the Sydney move was her fourth international move and her third different school system. While being a globetrotting family may sound glamorous, the reality is that at times it is hard work for both children and parents.

Moving from New York to Sydney was made tougher by the constraints of distance and time (it was six weeks from prospect of job being raised to touch down at Sydney airport) and this meant that the children did not get a chance to visit Sydney before we moved.

Therefore they had to make a leap of faith and trust us when we said that they would enjoy living there. A big ask for an adult and even more so for a child.

In hindsight, however, the short six-week time span was a boon. At the point when child unhappiness was at its peak and I was mentally beating myself with the parental birch twigs of guilt, one of my New Yorker friends who was a child psychologist pointed out that it is uncertainty that crucifies children and that once we moved they would settle; fortunately she was proved right.

Paradoxically while moving with children throws up many problems, they are in many ways the key to life in a new country. Once they are enrolled in school, the family immediately has the option to join a ready-made community. Volunteer for everything in your first year, as there is no faster way to meet the local parental movers and shakers.

While in the long run these people may not turn out to be your closest friends, in the frenetic early days they will be an invaluable source of advice on doctors, dentists, hardware shops, bakers, clothes shops and most importantly babysitters. This last one is a crucial category; imagine landing in a new city and trying to do school interviews and sign house agreements in lawyers' offices while trailing an incontinent toddler.

The majority of serial international movers do so because of someone's job. Ironically, the parent whose career has dictated the move is often the person in the family who suffers the least stress. Once the plane has landed, the family installed in a hotel or temporary apartment, that person swans off to the office to resume life as they know it with a bit of local colour.

After all, corporate headquarters, banks and lawyers' offices are pretty similar the world over. In contrast the remaining partner, generally the wife, is left clutching the local map, numbers for real estate agents, and wondering how to kit out three children in school uniform before Monday morning.

Pets are of course a major issue. Had the Australian Quarantine Service been willing to admit Bingo and Ringo, the beloved guinea pigs, into Australia we would have moved them, regardless of expense, because it would have been a sign that life as a family would go on as normal.

Sadly guinea pigs were judged to be rodenta non grata and had to be given away. There wasn't a dry eye in the house, parents included, as they were driven off.

After 18 years and six international moves I've begun to recognise a roller coaster pattern to my own emotions. During the first two or three months in a new city adrenaline keeps me going, though I do have the odd blip. At the end of our first month in New York I emerged from the hairdresser looking like an ageing Rod Stewart, which nearly had me on the plane straight back to London. During this initial phase you sort out all the major components of daily life, schools, somewhere to live, car, location of shops etc.

Then generally at about three months just as I think I am getting to grips with a) driving on the wrong side, b) local jargon and c) playground etiquette, I have some kind of relatively minor domestic crisis, usually child-precipitated. I reach for the phone, desperate to call a like-minded friend to recount the story of my maternal nightmare and then realise everyone I want to talk to is in a different time zone. At this point it often feels as if I have hit rock bottom and a one-way ticket home for the whole family is the only answer.

Salvation lies in the fact that it usually at this point that I find my first new friend. That first instinctive connection with someone where you laugh together is a little like falling in love. I skip home, for it has suddenly become home, singing to myself and knowing that I am going to enjoy this new life.

Enjoying life is a huge part of moving internationally. Weekends and holidays become an adventure. Locals are constantly bemused by the energy of expats and the amount of ground they cover. Scenery, culture and different societies are all an immeasurably enriching part of expat life.

However, the biggest bonus is the friends you make as a family and as individuals; they are the key to survival and enjoyment in a new country. Had we stayed in the UK surrounded by friends from way back when, we would have missed out on so many funny, kind, witty and memorable people.

If I had known, standing at the altar in Edinburgh, that we were destined to become the family with six crossed out entries in friends' address books, I might have quailed, but in fact it has been the most wonderful experience. I hope that my children will see these years of global wandering as I do, as a gift that that we've been so lucky and privileged to have been given.

Life in the South

Many thanks to Emma from In-Dia Stratis - Mutterings from Madras  for providing today's "guest post."  We truly have become kindred spirits and have recently shared so many of the same scheduling issues and time-frame dilemmas.  BEST wishes to her as she makes the move "state-side" soon!!

 

Naomi stubbled across my blog I presume when researching the 'ins' and 'outs' and 'pros' and 'cons' of her move to Delhi and I am very happy to tell you that we have struck up quite a rapport, each helping one another for reasons that will become apparent!

 

My family and I (hardworking husband Ian, Ellie now 4 1/2 and Luke 2) arrived in Chennai in the state of  Tamil Nadu (formerly Madras) South East India from the UK late last September for a 3-5 year placement.

 

I'd been to India before...on holiday...in Goa, beautiful!  Go, if you ever have the chance, although I'd probably recommend Kerela first!.  My husband had been on business and we knew the score...amazing place, amazing sights, sounds, smells, (Yep good and very bad!) amazing people and a wonderous world of contrasts and contradictions. 

 

BUMP!  You arrive in this place and you hit the ground running and everything you see, touch and smell, everyone you meet, everything you witness combines into a crescendo of sensory overload.  You take a deep breath and you get on with life and somehow everything becomes the norm...very quickly!  And I mean that. It is truly amazing how you can adapt so easily to a place that you thought would be, and is, quite alien.  It has its hazards, it has its foibles but if your sensible and careful you will have a wonderful life here.

 

Chennai is a sprawling city with no 'Centre' as such.  Historically us British colonised and in all honesty probably brutalised the place aswell.  It is large, it is HOT, it is dirty, it is littered with rubbish, cows, dogs and goats but the one thing that remains constant are its people who will tell you that they are Tamilians first, before Indian.  Religion is strong and is split 3 ways between Hindu, Christian and Muslim and all co-exist respectfully and peacefully.  Having and being able to afford 'staff' is a Godsend, day to day everything takes so long to do and houses take up so much time and energy in maintenance that you need someone to translate, the handyman, the maid, the driver, the gardener, the sweeper.  Lucky for you if you can find people to dual role!  I am very happy to say that after a couple of stumbles I found THE MOST wonderful people to help and have around and I will never forget any of them for as long as I live.  People who are so loyal and hardworking that they will put you before their own families....but when I found that one out on one particular day they all had a long hard talk from me!  As an ex-pat ,you live in Chennai in a bubble. There is very little to do as a family other than meet up and dine out with other ex-pat families, which is fun...for a while, but how nice would it be to be able to go out for a long country walks, ride out on bikes, have a picnic?  It is just too hot and public facilities and amenities are not the best. Toilets...eeeuuww don't go there!!??

 

Delhi, on the other hand...don't be fooled!...is apparently civilisation personified!  A friend visited last week and regaled us all with tales of shopping malls to rival London and New York. Good restaurants. Clean open spaces, Wide open unconjested roads...but it's just what I've been told!!  Naomi will be fine!  She'll have a ball!

 

Unfortunately for us, after just 6 months into our assignment we were told that due to the global economic slowdown it was unlikely that we would be able to stay our term.  Much heartache over missed opportunities and the like for us, as we sat, grumbled and waited to hear our fate. 

 

In just 2 weeks we will be leaving India, firstly for a few weeks back to the UK...and then...Woo Hoo! We are moving to North Carolina, for 3 years.  Wish me luck!  I do however hope that this is not the last I will see of this beautiful and most amazing country and her people.

 

Emma x

Moms 'round the world

Tanya from Forty-Two recently joined in the reading of Delhi Bound (welcome and hello!) and has started a fun little experiment.

She's asking mommas from 'round the world to join in, sharing the five things they most love (or don't love) about being a mom.

My answers (my "tagged" bloggers follow) :

1. Because I said so. Just kidding. There is something very sweet and yet very powerful about getting the last word. There is also something very amazing about getting to have a say in raising independent children who are respectful, yet know when it's ok to challenge an answer. My grandfather often asked me if I was agreeing with him 'just because he was older" or if it was because I agreed with his line of reasoning. He always reminded me (even as a little bit) to question answers if you don't understand them, but to do it with respect. I hope to pass that on to my kidlets as well.

2. I love having someone reach up and touch my face with little fingers -- sometimes dirty, sometimes sticky, sometimes holding roasted worms from the sidewalk -- but always reaching up with a tender touch. Saying 'i love you' with just five itty bitty fingers.

3. Watching my middle one learn how to read. There is something very powerful about watching your offspring learn. LEARN. Soaking up the world around them and learning how to interact within it. VERY cool.

4. Still being a part of my teenager's social scene. I smile on the inside when Terran and his friends choose to include me in their conversations ... even better yet when they ask me for my opinion. Really cool when they let me in on their silliness. Reminds me that even as you begin to mother an adolescent, there is still room for them to be little yet still.

5. Being able to expand my friendships and horizons to include OTHER mothers. To be able to sit back and realize all of the wisdom that my OWN mother had to impart (yet it took me THIS long to realize that she was mostly right). To share my experiences with other women and create bonds with amazing ladies that happen to simply want to raise equally amazing little beings.

There are so many more things that I love about being a mother. There are also so many things that I don't particularly love about the job. Those things are for another post.

Tag ... you're it to:

~ My own mom, living in Kenya and blogging about it at Ministry 2 Kenya

~ A Reason to Write in Delhi

~ Auds at Barking Mad

Great Expectations

As I mentioned a couple of days ago, I have been immensely blessed by several women who have given me advice, tips, support and all around "You'll be ok" reassurances.

Today, I wanted to share a guest post of sorts from Ellen, of A Reason to Write.

Her blog is on my top ten and I so look forward to posts. She has been my sanity as she rapid-fires me lists of what NOT to pack, bullet points on what TO bring and is giving me heads up on so many different levels that I'm going to owe her some SERIOUS lattes and chocolate when I arrive!

Ellen, thanks for sharing your words with the Delhi Bound readers!


The best advice I got upon hearing the news that my family was moving to India was - let go off all expectations. Nothing is a given. Murphy’s Laws are fully enforced here. And extremes are the norm. You will see a beautiful home just around the corner from a slum - literally a slum. It's sometimes hard to comprehend these extremes. So, I found this advice has been very helpful!

After a (quick) while, some of the things that take you the most by surprise will become so relatively normal that you will laugh about them. Some things will never seem “normal”.

You will visit a monument and you will be in absolute awe of its beauty. You will wonder how the Indian people managed to capture such majesty and splendor. You will relish the stories behind them and share them over and over with your family. But then you will get in the car to go home and you will wipe off your face because you are hot and sweaty and you will feel dusty and dirty and absolutely exhausted. Your legs will probably be very tired, even if you did not have to walk very far. And you will wonder almost on a daily basis why you are here. And on those same days you will find reasons to celebrate that you are here.

Those moments of clarity will come swiftly and they will whisk you away into the amazing adventure you are on. You will soak every minute in.

People ask me all the time - what is like to live in India. It’s hard to explain - really it is. Experience is worth a thousand words - you simply cannot capture all of the feelings you will have on a page or in a picture. Blogging will help you remember the details you do not want to forget - but your life here will hold the real story. How you change and become a different person will capture the essence of living here.

Everyday is different. Every ride down the road is unique. One day you will see an elephant and you will think - wow. And the next day something new and equally amazing will appear. I am working hard to not lose the amazement and amusement by what is different here. There is a magical quality that I do not want to forget.

The school is amazing in many respects. The teachers love what they do. The classes are small. The elementary school principal is spectacular. The children are interesting.

Your children will become global thinkers and more creative thinkers. So will you.

You will certainly feel like a fish whose bowl has been dumped upside down and emptied out of water. You will be amazed at all the places the families here have lived. Many of them move and move and move. I am not sure that is a fabulous thing because my children are getting wings here - but I very much want them to have their roots too.

I cast no stones though. It’s all a balancing act. And clearly some families are better suited to being constantly on the move.

There will be days when you miss your old friends terribly. But you will go to lunch with a new friend and you’ll have a good time.

As I have said to you in emails, I always knew that this would be a wonderful opportunity for my family on so many levels. And even thought there are times when I have to remind myself that it is true, I know that I was absolutely right.

~Ellen