The problem is ... you're often held at arm's length.
Most people you meet know either the exact date they are leaving, or know it will be sometime in the next year (or so). Even those you meet that have an undetermined stay, likely have already done the pack-up-and-move so many times already, they are leery to delve too deeply into a friendship.
Sure, there are pleasantries exchanged, we all say "Hey" to each other as we brush shoulders throughout our day, and rarely do you become acquainted with someone that you can't hang out with for at least a little while.
We ask the same questions of each other :
- How long have you been here?
- Where did you come from?
- What does your husband do?
- How old are your kids?
- How long are you staying?
Suggestions of getting together for a coffee, or scheduling a playdate are often heard ... but almost like fall leaves rustling down the street ... soon those promises are forgotten. It's not intentional in most cases ... we just get busy.
I think that when you know a goodbye is inevitable, it's harder to really mean a "hello."
I think that after my first settling in here in Delhi, I've gotten calloused enough to feel sometimes that I have made enough close friends and don't have time or energy for anymore.
I think that I often miss the opportunity to meet some really great people because I know they are leaving anyway.
I watch my kids interact with their new friends and am surprised that this mentality trickles down to them as well. Even Mia has already grasped the concept that one day - either she will move - or her friends will. Already in the time we've been here, 3 little people have left her preschool for another job/posting, and she doesn't quite know how to come to terms with it.
The middle little has struggled with it the most. He has found several "new best friends" but he asks me quite often when they will have to leave. Even at the age of six and seven, these experienced expat kids hold their new friends at arm's length. They have known what it's like to leave everyone else behind, and still remember what it's like to be the one that stays.
A busload of new families arrived after holiday break, and loads will be leaving at the end of this school year.
With their departure, will also be the disappearance of playdates, morning coffees, study groups and weekend get togethers.
I've moved as many times as I have fingers ... and even before we crossed the ocean, already knew what it felt like to want to put up the wall and not let anyone get too close. If you know an upcoming move is inevitable, is it worth investing the time and energy into a new slew of friends?
I crave having friendships where they know my history, and vice versa. I think it's important to have relationships where some of the skeletons can come out of the closet. I think it's refreshing to have friends who see your TRUE parenting habits and still like you anyway. I think it's vital to our mental health to be able to have folks that are a short drive away whose shoulders you can cry on, who are ready to listen and not judge, and share in experiences because they know where you came from.
I also think it's really cool to have friends that you can share a bottle of wine with -- and just shoot the breeze without having to say anything important or meaningful at all ... because nothing more is asked of your friendship.
When I moved to Ohio, I told Mrs. Inkle during one of our hangout sessions, that I wouldn't ever fully vest in our friendship, because I knew we'd end up moving. She encouraged me to jump in anyway. Told me to buck up, be myself and not withhold who I truly was just because of a future goodbye.
I can't change the rugged die-hard expat chicks. The ones that hold themselves at arms length. The ones that not only have 10+ moves under their belts, but countless countries, hair-raising stories and amazing scrapbooks. Their experiences are something I can't quite identify with. What I can do though is be more open myself. Be more forthcoming with the information about my past. I can set aside the natural inclination to protect my heart, and instead - offer myself to those I meet.
Instead of holding them at arm's length and even shying away from the awkward double kiss (sometimes even a triple kiss or quadruple, depending on where she is from), I'll just be myself and do more hugging!
