Expat Women : Confessions (a book review)

What do you get when you combine experience, motivation and a vision for creating a resource manual ... a "how to" book if you will?

Expat Women : Confessions

It is literally a virtual "Expat Life for Dummies" with much more information inside than you can imagine.

The brain child of Andrea Martins and Victoria Hepworth, they cover popular topics like leaving family back home, transitioning quickly, intercultural relationships, parenting bilingual children and work-life balance. They also address more difficult issues such as expat infidelity, divorce, alcoholism and reverse culture shock.

Andrea Martins is an Australian who has lived in Jakarta, Indonesia; Mexico City, Mexico; and now lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. Since co-creating ExpatWomen.com in 2006 with American Jill Lengré, Andrea has inspired thousands of expatriate women online. She has also been a guest speaker to audiences in Houston, Washington, Mexico City, Amsterdam, the Hague, Singapore, Kuala Lumpur, Brisbane, Sydney, Melbourne and Marrakech.

Victoria Hepworth is a New Zealander who has lived in Miyazaki, Japan; Shanghai, China; Saint Petersburg, Russia; Gothenburg, Sweden; Mumbai, India; and now lives in Dubai, United Arab Emirates. In 2004, Victoria founded and helped establish Lifeline Shanghai, a not-for-profit telephone hotline for the expatriate community. Victoria is a trained psychologist.

I found, as I started the book, that instead of being a book that I would have to commit to ... starting and finishing from front to back, that instead I could piece-meal read it.  MY KIND OF BOOK!!

I could look through the Table of Contents and find something that struck my fancy ... or I could randomly flip the book open for a surprise tidbit of advice.

Some of my favorite sections include the one on "Starting Your Own Club" (as I realize that we won’t always live in Delhi and I wont always have the amazing support system offered to me here).

Another best of the best?  The chapter on "Beware of your friends".  This book is one of the FEW places that is honest enough to say that freindships in expat situations are not always positive (jump to page 47!).

Move then to the chapter on money, budgeting and the truth about expat packages .... (another subject that we all chitter chat about, but no one seems to want to discuss at length) as well as a frank discussion about the fact that while some view the expat lifestyle as glamorous, quite often it is similar to the life they left behind.

Want even more "in your face, but we really should talk about this" topics?  Divorce, affairs, death. Alcoholism.  Aging parents.  Leaving precious friends behind, helping teenagers adjust to life away from home, raising bilingual children and the all-important repatriation.

* * *

This book is for any woman who has ever wondered what it is like to live abroad, work abroad or accompany their working partner abroad.

It is also for any woman already living the expat life but having mixed feelings about settling in, rebuilding their identity, understanding changes in their relationships, successfully managing their money and career, raising children far from home or repatriating.

It is ALSO for the woman who thinks they've got this life mastered and figured out ... if only to give a fresh outlook on what topics newbies may be struggling with!

* * *

The authors of this book have a fun launch competition (they are giving away more than US $5,000 in prizes!) going on through the end of May (I know .... I didn't give you much time).

To buy the paperback :: http://www.amazon.com/Expat-Women-Confessions-Real-Life-Questions/dp/0980823609/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1306553456&sr=8-1

To buy the Kindle version :: http://www.amazon.com/Expat-Women-Confessions-Real-Life-ebook/dp/B004YL2TKK/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&m=AG56TWVU5XWC2&s=digital-text&qid=1306553456&sr=8-3

 

From their website ::

Advance Praise

"What a great book! For the first time, a real-life manual that will reassure every expat woman that she is not alone in her unspoken feelings and questions. I loved it!"

Ruth E. Van Reken, Co-author of Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds

"A must for anyone who is, has been or will be an expat!"

Peggy Love, GMS, CERP, President, FIGT (Families in Global Transition)

"A terrific book! Real-life examples of the challenges expat women face, with insightful and practical advice, this should be on the must-read list for anyone involved with expatriate administration."

Andrea David, Head of Global Mobility, Bloomberg LP

ADAM'S MAMA SAYS ... (a guest post!)

Guest posting time!  

Elizabeth shared this with me and I wanted to share it to you all.  

Elizabeth is the mama to a sweet little boy who is our middle little's best friend.  Best friend ever over the last two years!

Introducing, Elizabeth ::

Okay, if I really knew the secrets of expat bliss I’d have turned this post into a book, sold it to a publisher, and would already been sipping a Bellini at a swanky hotel poolside on my book tour.

But I digress…I hope my shards of collected experience will help your time in India be better for YOU.  That’s all any of us get – the chance to make this experience the best it can be for our family, and if what I’ve lived can help anyone coming after us, then I’ve paid it forward.

I believe that everything you hear about India is simultaneously true and false.  Which is a version of reality that can take some getting used to.  One week, one day, heck sometimes one hour will show you opulence and poverty, joy and abject grief, riotous beauty and revolting filth.  It will make your head spin.

--So my first piece of advice is to take it easy on yourself and on your family.  

Even if you’re an experienced expat, adjusting to India takes time.  A lot more time than you expect.  My unscientific research based on talking to lots of expats over 4 years suggests that feeling at home here takes twice as long on average than anyplace else they have lived.  The good news here is that the same “research” data suggests that India is a place where most expats feel they make more close local friends than anywhere else they have lived, but all in all, expect this to be a more time consuming and perhaps harder settling in journey than you expect.

--Activities, especially kid’s activities.  

Don’t believe the hype.  A lot is available.  And a lot of it is poorly organized and not fun for the kids.  Look for the real gems, which are out there, and don’t follow the herd.  Your kids will be happier and so will you.  I’m sure the example I’m choosing will generate a lot of hate mail, but here goes.  A prime example of this is the DIFL soccer league.  The sign up process is like applying to an Ivy League college, the coaching is non existent, and for my money, any elementary school aged sports program shouldn’t permit shouting at the kids.

A little research led me to the amazing PFC soccer program at the British School sports field and rekindled my son’s love affair with team sports.  So I guess my bottom line here is don’t do “what everyone else is doing” for kid activities – there are alternatives and they take more work to find than in some other expat environments, but it is well worth it.

--Household Staff.  

Here is another area where it pays to take your time.   It sounds so glamorous – a cook to fix whatever your heart desires, someone to drive you anywhere you want to go, never having to clean a toilet.  I totally believed the hype and before I arrived in India I agreed to take over the entire 5 person household staff of my predecessor and promptly added a 6th person (since as a full time working mom I needed a nanny).  And I have lived to regret it and want to save you from my mistakes.

Live here for a month or so and figure out what you really need for help before you become the social safety net/bank/home for a village.  Living in an expat community takes away a lot of privacy to begin with and live in staff means never being alone.

It also means taking on the problems of a lot of other people.

If I could do it again I’d take my time, get settled in, and then see what the reality of my “never lifting a finger” fantasy looks like in the light of the Delhi sun.

For me that would have meant hiring a nanny (no way around that as a full time working parent) and someone to do some food shopping/prep and a 3rd person to drive (since Delhi traffic is tough and parking is virtually non existent) and I’d have them work limited set hours Monday through Friday only.  That would be my ideal , maybe not yours.

My advice is:  Take the time to settle into your life here, see what help you want, and then and only then commit to the virtual adoption process that is employing household staff.

--Privacy.  

This is the hardest part for most people to get used to.  No more privacy – not at home, not at school, not on the weekends.  No matter how much you try to expand your orbit, this is the smallest expat community I’ve ever been a part of.  True story – I have a yahoo account under a pseudonym and this morning I got an email on that account addressed to my real name from someone in another country who referenced my Embassy employment and asked for help with a visa case.

Admittedly I live a more public life than most because of my work, but another expat truth from life in India is the need to adjust to a whole new level of small town life.  No advice for this one apart from letting you know it’s there.

And maybe encouraging everyone to be kind.

It is so easy to feel you know the whole story about everything happening to everyone because of Delhi’s expat fishbowl, but I’d say it’s as true here as anywhere else that you really don’t know what goes on in someone else’s family.

Gandhi said that satisfaction lies in the effort, not in the attainment.  India as an expat is all about the effort.

So go forth with equal measures of gusto and reserve and India will reward you with memories and friendships for a lifetime.

A BIT OF HOUSEKEEPING

By now, you've realized there are some changes at the Delhi Bound site.  

I'd love to hear whether you like the changes or whether there are some things that have you flustered.

I'll likely swap out the photos you see at the top every couple of months or so, and may even disable the way that they fade in and out (since some of you are unable to see the images at all).

If you click to the right, you can 

• subscribe to the blog via email (straight to your inbox)
• email me directly
• follow me on Twitter
• Stumble Upon any of my blog posts that you deem worthy
• subscribe to the blog via your reader

If you click up above, you can get access to some worthwhile posts ... to learn about our family, why we're here, our favorite ways to spend a day, and about India.

Note :: I've got my blog roll (the blogs I read every day) listed on the "Busy Hands" link.  Separated into "Fellow Expats" and "Places I Love to Visit", they are some great and amazing blogs to read!

Along the right hand side, as you scroll down you can do a number of things ::

• visit the Fading Ladies website for more information about our charity initiative
• see what time it is in Delhi
• Sign up for PostCrossing
• Get ideas on great books to read
• See my futile attempt at Project 365

I'm going to aim to do a better job at commenting on the blogs that I read.  I can "see" how many of you read Delhi Bound and would love it if you'd join in the discussion.  You can surely post anonymously, but would you please at least leave your first name, or initials?  Makes it more of a cozy place to visit and learn about each other, right?

Looking forward to the next year of blogging about our experiences in Delhi, India.  

On that note, let's have some questions!  What do you want to know about India?  About living in Delhi?  About me or my family? What do you want to see more of on Delhi Bound? 

Ask away ... and we'll do another round of "Q&A" !!

What to pack for Delhi

Next up in the "series" of how to best acclimate to Delhi ... from my perspective ::

What to pack

Our Must See list

I started the How To section (click the tab up and to the right) in an effort to maybe help out one or two of you in your efforts at settling in ...

Next up to share is our list of Must See spots.  We've been here in Delhi as new expats for almost a year and we've done a lot!

I'll write next week about specific child-friendly spots, but wanted to share this list as a start for things you want to make sure you check out!
 

My MUST SEE list

What about the rest of you?  What else should be added?  What did I forget?  I will be adding onto the list as I remember other locations and get photos of new spots.  What is YOUR must see?

Baby, it's cold outside

The second installment of my "How To" section is up and viewable.  This How To section depends on you though . 

If you've spent time in Delhi, PLEASE do interject your comments, advice and thoughts!  This can be a great help to newcomers if we work together!

Even though we were told time and time again how H-O-T it was, nothing quite drilled it home until we were sweating it out.  We laughed at folks who told it it got "cold" during winter, but have recently figured out what they mean!

My take on the seasons here ... and how to deal with them :: Delhi Climate

You can always view the pieces in this section by clicking that tab - up and to the right over there - called "How To."

Up next ... hopefully sooner than later ... will be Cooking & Shopping!

New Addition!

I've been toying with the idea of rewriting and capturing the process of moving a family of five ... overseas.

Everytime I think about it though, I get an instant headache.  A headache from trying to recall those moments ... and a headache when thinking about trying to adequately provide help and assistance to someone in the same situation.

I've bitten the bullet though, after a crazy number of requests for this information (welcome to you new readers who are about to take on a similar jaunt ... and best of luck as you start this process)!

I've redone the layout of the blog and now have a clickable menu (located right above each post) that will help you navigate a bit better around Delhi Bound.  I'm going to create a "How To" section in the hopes that it will aid in the process for just ONE person!

I'll take my time getting the "How We Did It" posts up ... but to get things started ....

All about Shipping

This is not an end-all guide book.  This will not apply to every situation. I'm sure we made tons of mistakes on our virgin voyage across the ocean.

I welcome commentary and questions ... and I ask for your help in creating something that will be useful and helpful to others ...