SAYING GOODBYE ...

The month on my iPhone calendar shows May.

The week's schedule shows FULL.  Next week's schedule shows FULL.

Full of end-of-year parties.  Afternoons of swimming with friends.  Stuffing as much time together as is possible. Full of goodbyes.

Living in denial every day.  If you just act normal and get through every day as everyone is accustomed to, it might be less difficult to admit that soon your childrens' best friends will be moving on.

It's what happens every May.

Or at least it seems to be what happens in May as of "here lately."

Denial is a word that enters my consciousness on a hourly basis.

Is it better to have loved and lost ... than never to have loved at all?

Maybe more suited for a romantic relationship, but still that quote resonates deeply with those of us who are saying goodbye on a very regular basis.

You can quickly see into the past hurts of a fellow expat when you ask the typical question "how long are you here?" and the answer is shallow, quick and brief.  They don't share much more than the bare minimum and I imagine most times it is due to a background of having to have said goodbye too many times.

There are folks who know before they even land in their new host country just how long they will be there.  There are others who don't know from week to week when they will leave.

There are folks that start to pull away in the final months and weeks before packing out.  When those being left behind want nothing more than one more lunch date, one more morning coffee or one more dinner with joint families, those that are stuffing suitcases have already reconciled with the fact that their to-do list is seemingly much longer than the list of those they should say goodbye to.

It is difficult to be the one staying behind.  It is extremely difficult to be the mama who is trying to soothe sad children, whose best friends are departing after a strong two years of everything.  Playdates, movies, sleepovers, learning, growing, sweating, adjusting, supporting, coloring, beyblading, bike riding, KFC'ing (yes ... that is a word!).

Sigh.

I could speak on this subject forever.  Really, I could.  There are hundreds of studies on the mental process that one goes through when a goodbye is inevitable.  I think that those processes become even more muddled when you do it repeatedly.


Recently, I posted on FB in a fit of frustration because I couldn't find the "perfect song" to use in a slideshow presentation to say goodbye to a friend ....

(note : I've taken out all of the profile pics of those who posted these great songs, for their privacy.  What looked really cool in the original post with everyone's FB profiles and the "like" button there, now just looks boring BUT the great list of songs is still there!)

"Looking for the perfect song to use as a "goodbye, thank you, wish you the best, thanks for the memories" song for a slideshow. Any ideas? Nothing too sappy, nothing too religious .... HELP!"

Drawing a bit of a blank, but maybe Forever Young by Rod Stewart? Not really a 'thank you' or 'thanks for the memories', though...Yesterday at 8:31pm · 

Closing Time by Greenday (?) or is that too cheesy? ' Someday' by Sugar Ray also cute for that. (Both featured in my grandparents' 50th anniversary video :) )Yesterday at 8:36pm · 

Greenday, I hope you had the time of your life!Yesterday at 9:06pm · 

Leaving on a Jet Plane....by either John Denver or Peter Paul and Mary.Yesterday at 9:08pm · 

Home...Michael Buble.......100 years--Five for Fighting Yesterday at 9:13pm 

Natalie Merchant's Kind and Generous? Yesterday at 9:38pm · 

Bon Jovi--Who says you cant go homeYesterday at 9:40pm 

That's What Friends are For, Dionne Warrick & friends Yesterday at 9:43pm 

“Time of Your Life” – Green Day, “I Will Remember You” – Sarah McLachlan, “So Long, Farewell” – Sound of Music, “Stand by Me” – Ben E. King, “Go Your Own Way” – Fleetwood Mac...what's the age level or audience? 23 hours ago · 

"Better Together" by Jack Johnson23 hours ago · 

more came to me....(: Ramble On- Led Zepplin (great guitar) Hello Goodbye--The Beatles 21 hours ago · 

Vitamin C- friends forever 21 hours ago · 

In My Life - The Beatles 15 hours ago · 

Corrs- Goodbye10 hours ag 

Blessed by Elton John 7 hours ago 

This is a CRAZY list of great songs!! I see a blog post coming up! 2 seconds ago  

  
What on earth do you say to a friend ... when it's time for them to bid adieu and head back home? To their next location? To their next post?  How do you adequately sum up your memories of them and your time together. How do you express appreciation for what they have meant, what support they have given and what motivation and encouragement they have leant?

You find some amazing photos of their last year or two ... you pick a song like this ::

And you choke up your tears, and you dab pointlessly at your eyes ... and you realize that you are truly better off for having known these friends (that are just a few weeks away from getting on a plane) than you would have been ... had you never reached out to become close, vulnerable with each other and honest.

Saying goodbye doesn't get easier - and it doesn't matter how long you've been at this expat game.

The lesson I have learned in my two short years of living in a host country .... in a place where everyone chooses to adopt each other ... is that life is too damn short to not give of yourself to another friendship, to another soul, to another potential long-lasting relationship.

My calendar says it's May.

My heart says it's time to say goodbye.

As I type this, I have just learned of two more friends who are departing in the coming weeks.  The list is growing longer.


* * *

To all of the friends that we've met in the last two years ... who are packing up and packing out ... it has been GOOD.  Truly good to share our time with you here.

You have undoubtedly made a gloomy day brighter, put a smile on our faces, shared in a laugh or two ... and enriched our family's time here in Delhi.

Godspeed, safety and the spirit of contentedness be with you on your journey!

What to pack for Delhi

Next up in the "series" of how to best acclimate to Delhi ... from my perspective ::

What to pack

New Addition!

I've been toying with the idea of rewriting and capturing the process of moving a family of five ... overseas.

Everytime I think about it though, I get an instant headache.  A headache from trying to recall those moments ... and a headache when thinking about trying to adequately provide help and assistance to someone in the same situation.

I've bitten the bullet though, after a crazy number of requests for this information (welcome to you new readers who are about to take on a similar jaunt ... and best of luck as you start this process)!

I've redone the layout of the blog and now have a clickable menu (located right above each post) that will help you navigate a bit better around Delhi Bound.  I'm going to create a "How To" section in the hopes that it will aid in the process for just ONE person!

I'll take my time getting the "How We Did It" posts up ... but to get things started ....

All about Shipping

This is not an end-all guide book.  This will not apply to every situation. I'm sure we made tons of mistakes on our virgin voyage across the ocean.

I welcome commentary and questions ... and I ask for your help in creating something that will be useful and helpful to others ...

Visual - take two

(Warning - long post!)

This move makes the second time we've been professionally packed and moved.  We're talking from start-to-finish ... everything AND the kitchen sink.

We started the process on a Tuesday morning -- and three guys swooped onto my doorstep and four hours later ... had transferred belongings that we'd designated "storage" from our home to an offsite 10x10 unit.   We're talking literally swooped in.  Barely took time for lunch.  Asked that I point out what went to storage and then they set to work.

Two took the garage and shed and one took the remainder of the house.  Now, granted, I had already relocated the majority of the storage items out to the garage ... placed in a holding station, so to speak.  Still though - they were efficient and quick.

Wednesday morning came and the process started all over again.  This time they unloaded more boxes, more tape, more bubble wrap, more shrink wrap and LOTS more guys from that truck.  Wednesday required about 12 hours for the packing, disassembling, wrapping and boxing of everything.  Thursday required about 8 hours for the shuttling and loading of the one truck, into the second truck and the final details.

Because of several issues that I won't go into at this time (because I'm still a bit bitter, angry and have a fight to pick with Allied) we had to use a shuttle truck to get the packed boxes from our house out to the street.  This literally meant loading up ONE truck (in a puzzle sort of fashion), driving it down the driveway and then unloading into the container (in a reverse puzzle sort of fashion so that the container would be properly loaded).

 

 Kitty cat that was NOT too sure about this whole moving process.

 

Funny story -- as they whirlwind through the house, often times I would check random places (closets, nooks and crannies, etc.) assuming that they would forget something.  It seemed logical that in a house they'd never been in - surely something would get forgotten?

I never WAS able to find anything they'd left behind in their flurry of packing ... except for the silverware drawer.  I hollered out to Pat (who was responsible for the kitchen packing) and asked if he thought we ate with our fingers in India ... to which he replied "just not the ones on the left hand!"    WISE GUY.

About 3 hours into the "load day" ... a 100% empty garage.

I know I said I wouldn't say anything about my current bitterness towards Allied ... BUT ... here's how much room was left in our 40 foot container (and we'd originally been told we needed a 20 foot).  In case you CANT see it that well, it's about 3.5 feet.  Seriously.

Bidding adieu to "our stuff"

A couple of things if you are reading this and about to embark on your own "having them pack up your house" adventure:

• From what we were told, I was not allowed to pack anything ... or run the risk of a "PBO" label on each of those boxes (packed by owner) which would then be subject to customs officials going through each of those boxes.  No thank you!
  
• As much as stationing items in the garage as I purged helped me mentally up until the movers arrived (out of sight, out of mind) I fear ... No, I DREAD the unpacking process as we now have bathroom stuff intermixed with books, with some toys and silverware thrown in the mix - no doubt.  
  
• Have bottled water on hand and plan to buy the guys their lunch each day.  They are grateful and it made me feel a bit better about the care they were taking with our things.
• Over-estimate and inflate any estimate provided to you by at least 35%.  No kidding.
• As of the writing of this post, proceed with caution when choosing Allied.
• Schedule babysitters for your children during this process.  They will need to see the house when it's empty and say goodbye to their home, BUT they don't belong at the house during the packing!
• Use sticky notes for things that you feel require extra caution and care during packing.
  
• Use sticky notes to label each child's bedroom.  Place each child's name on their bedroom door so that boxes are appropriately labeled.
• Do a somewhat thorough inventory of your belongings so that you are aware of the age of major items and whether anything is slightly damaged or broken before the movers begin.
• Never stop asking detailed questions.  For YOU, this may be the first time you've experienced a move like this.  Don't let the folks you're dealing with for your move force you into assuming ANYTHING.

For now - our container remains in New York.  It has been "just sitting" since Friday, June 5th.  It is awaiting a ship date of Monday, June 15th.  From there, it is estimated that our container will arrive in Mumbai on July 16th.

Crossing my fingers that the new group in charge of our container can whip themselves into shape and get our container delivered to Delhi, processed through customs and scheduled for delivery VERY. VERY. VERY. soon after the 16th of July!

Visual.

I keep getting asked "you ARE taking pictures, right?"

I am.  I am.  I am definitely taking pictures.  I just haven't had the energy to upload, sort through, rename, purge, crop, etc.

Just now I uploaded 797 photos just taken in June alone.  Criminy - we're not even halfway through yet AND that doesn't count what I've taken on my iPhone.  Sheez.

Some photos ... in case you were wondering what it looks like to pack up an entire house of five ...

WHAT WE ARE LIVING OUT OF UNTIL JULY 16TH:

HOW THAT LOOKS CRAMMED INTO THE BACK OF A FORD EXPLORER:

 WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE TO HAVE A BABY GRAND DISASSEMBLED AND WRAPPED (S-C-A-R-Y!)

WHAT YOUR GARAGE LOOKS LIKE AFTER THE TAZMANIAN DEVILS FINISH:

MORE TOMORROW ... I want to blog about the process of having a moving team come in and 100% pack/load your house.  Crazy stuff.   Remind me if I forget!

Bring it on.

I'll write a proper post about the inner workings of a door-to-door move, but later.

The container arrived this morning .... Bruce, Wayne, Garrett, Cardell and Pat are kicking butt and taking numbers.  Seriously.  This is ONE well oiled machine.

Bring it on.

(I slept really good last night -- kids are EXCITED about the pool this afternoon -- and I feel a HUGE sense of accomplishment and relief!)

Debate.

The great debate going on in our house right now:

20 foot sea shipment container vs. a 40 foot sea shipment container.

The difference between the two containers is a price variance of $2,000.

"Queen Mover Lady" says we *should* be fine with a 20 foot container ... but she can't promise anything.

Sigh.

Is it worth my energy to go through some of the boxes currently in the ship pile, to reduce our sea shipment with *stuff* that is quite possibly just crap anyway?

Is it worth $2,000 to SAVE some of my energy and just ship it all and say, the hell with it?

I'm leaning towards doing some more purging and saving that $2,000 -- even if it IS the company's money that I'm saving. I'd rather not have those random boxes arriving in India and having to find a place for that *stuff* ...

Or at least I think that's the direction I'm leaning.

Stay tuned ...

For your Reading Pleasure

Because he said it better than I can:

Separating Anchors from Anvils

Valuations ... Schm-aluations

I am SOOO tired of looking at the "Household - The List" document that I created.

I am sick of looking over the contents of it - the contents of our house ... our home ... relegated to line items.

Everyone seems to want valuations of our household goods. The insurance company, the storage unit, the moving company, the IRS (for donation purposes).

Just how do you determine a replacement value for the itty bitty teensy weensy clothes that your babies wore home from the hospital?

Explain to me what price you put on the hundreds of lego pieces, Little Pet Shop animals and Star Wars mini-guys?

What on earth do you say that the years of memorabilia is worth that your 8th grader has painstakingly hoarded?

How much is the frame worth that contains pictures from the only time you've had alone with your husband - complete with the cork from a bottle of wine, and really cool coral from the ocean off of the island of St. Croix?

I'm also - since I'm speaking frankly - tired of the ongoing debate between Todd and I about what to keep, what to store and what to ship. Don't get me wrong - it's not an argument ... but we just can't seem to make up our minds. One day, it appears that we've reached a decision. But ask us the next day, and half of the "donate" list has somehow miraculously made it over to the "store" side of the columns.

I used to think that Excel was a pretty cool program ... but here lately, am just so tired of looking at it. I open the spreadsheet in an attempt to work on it, and then close it seconds later in disgust.

I'm hoping to schedule the Salvation Army truck AND the movers this week, so that I have a deadline. A date certain by which to make up my mind - for once and for all.

Hey, while you're here ... does anyone want the snow shovels?

The days of the week

Oh boy.

I found this list on a website for expats.  Because I'm such a list-maker, I decided to split the work according to the week. 

There are 18 weeks between now and the anticipated arrival in Delhi.  13 weeks between now and the end of school.

Oh boy.

For some reason, when you say "we'll be leaving sometime in June" it seems SO much farther away than when you say "we'll be leaving in 13 weeks"

So here is the list they suggest you follow in order to get prepared.

INITIAL ACTIONS

Coordinate agreements concerning your overseas assignment with the Human Resources department of your company.

If appropriate, provide HR with information required for:
__     Passports
__     Visa/work permit requirements
__     Flight arrangements for orientation visit and car hire requirements
__     Arrangements for the transportation of your unaccompanied personal effects and pets
__     Housing/schooling requirements in your host location
    cartoon #11

Expect the renters to put some wear and tear on your house while you're away


DECIDE WHAT TO DO WITH YOUR HOME

If you rent, check the lease and give the appropriate notice

If you intend to leave your home empty:
__ Check your buildings and insurance coverage
__ Prepare your house for inactivity (drain down water, disconnect gas,
     central heating, etc.)
__ Advise your mortgage lender
__ Make security arrangements for your home
__ Arrange cleaner, gardener, as necessary
__ Arrange for someone to check the property on a regular basis

If you intend to rent your home:
__ Choose a reputable rental agent to market the property for you
__ Employ an attorney to study the tenancy agreement
__ Nominate managing agents
__ Get consents from mortgage company, insurers

If you intend to sell your home:
__ Choose a reputable real estate agent to market the property for you
__ Employ an attorney
__ Organize a Power of Attorney in case the sale is not finalized before
      your departure

6-12 WEEKS BEFORE DEPARTURE

Be sure legal paperwork for traveling is done:
__ Check that passports are up to date; make application if necessary
__ Get a supply of passport-size photos to take with you
__ Apply for any necessary visas/work permits

To protect your health while overseas:
__ Arrange medical and dental check-ups
__ Go over vaccination records with the doctor and arrange extra shots
     if required
__ Arrange for an AIDS test if your host country requires it
__ If you take prescription medication, make arrangements with your
     doctor for obtaining a supply of these medications; ask the doctor to
     write a letter documenting your need for these medications
__ If you or a member of your family has any special medical conditions,
     ask your doctor for a copy of the pertinent medical records for use by
     your doctor abroad
__ Consult with your doctor whether you will need any preventative
     medications such as quinine where you will be living. Make arrangements
     to acquire any if needed

Notify your children's school of their departure

Notify your banks

If you receive government benefits (for example, Social Security or
Veterans' benefits) make arrangement to have your money sent to your new
location

Look over your will and be sure it still reflects your wishes; arrange
to meet with your attorney to make any desired changes or to make a will
if you don't have one yet

Arrange a power of attorney, if required

Advise any insurance companies with whom you have policies that you are
moving to live overseas (Companies have been known to refuse to pay out
when they have not been so advised)

Decide what to do with your pet(s)

Decide what to do with your car(s)

Arrange for moving companies to carry out pre-move survey

If at all possible, make a "reconnaissance trip" to your new location;
while there, you might choose your house, a bank, and/or school(s) for
your children

4-6 WEEKS BEFORE DEPARTURE

Consider the need for independent tax/financial advice on your status as
an expatriate

Arrange with the post office for your mail to be forwarded

Send out change-of-address cards; make arrangements for staying in touch
with friends and relatives

Cancel subscriptions to book clubs, magazines

Notify credit card companies

Arrange flight tickets, hotels, car hire

Make a detailed inventory of the contents of your home including value
and age (You may want to take photos for insurance purposes)

Consider opening a safe deposit box in which to store important
documents and valuables while you are away

Plan what things to take with you overseas and what things to leave
behind. Consider whether you want to put some things in storage and make
any necessary arrangements

Make final arrangements with moving company for moving day

Collect copies of legal documents such as marriage, birth, adoption,
divorce certificates to take with you

Collect copies of important documents you may need with you (insurance
certificates, medical records, optical and/or medicinal prescriptions,
school records)

Deplete food in your kitchen cupboards and freezer

Deplete stocks of alcohol

Contact your local voter registration office if necessary to register as
an overseas elector

1-2 WEEKS BEFORE DEPARTURE

Sort out those items you will need to keep with you when you travel:
passport, visa, work permit, tickets, money, travelers checks, currency,
credit cards, driver's license, essential medication, vaccination
certificates, valuables, jewelry, address book, things for children to
do on the flight, at least one change of clothes (your suitcases may not
arrive with you)q Drain fuel from lawn mower

Cancel milk/newspaper deliveries

Advise utility companies: gas, electricity, water, telephone

Dispose of houseplants

Defrost refrigerator/freezer

Pack the possessions you are taking with you


For the sake of anyone reading this blog who is going through a similar situation, I'll post again soon with my version of a readiness checklist, broken down into weeks. It most likely will be quite boring for those of you reading who fall into the friends/family category, so I apologize in advance!

ON PACKING & SHIPMENTS

 

Some of my posts about the shipment process can be found ::

On the art of valuing your items

Loading Day

It is very difficult to write adequately about this experience and have it apply to each and every family.  We did the interviewing, hiring, scheduling, negotiating, details planning and all on our own.  The company did not provide any assistance - on either end ... so our situation is the "bare bones" how-it-worked-for-us.

It is also very difficult to write about our experience with a flowing sentence and paragraph structure.  Bear with me, as I simply jot down and bullet point my thoughts ::

When choosing a shipping company, get EVERYTHING in writing - from the little details such as "who is responsible for filing an insurance claim after arrival" to "who do I contact when the shipment is in the middle of the ocean for a status update."

Be aware that even though you assume you are hiring a well-known international moving company, often the representative that shows up in fact works for and is employed by a LOCAL company, whereby if you sign on the dotted line, you no longer are being represented, cared for OR protected by that initial well-known international moving company!  Investigate, ask lots of questions and again ... get everything in writing.

I would highly warn against discussing anything on the phone, unless you follow it up with an email and secure the same information/guarantees you were provided initially.

Request more than one walk through and estimate of your belongings.

Purge your house of things you no longer want/need before the moving company comes for an estimate.

GET BOTH SPOUSES NAMES ON ALL PAPERWORK!!!!  In our situation, I was the remaining spouse for the day of packing/loading ... but Todd was the spouse already in Delhi.  Without going into details, it made for some stressful days/nights.  Insist that both of your names are listed on ALL paperwork.

When the movers are there to pack up your house, it was helpful for me to have a quarantined "tub" that I had set aside of fun toys, books, games, stuffed animals, etc. that I randomly tossed to the men to include in RANDOM boxes.  What fun to open up boxes at the new home and find Charlie the Tiger, or one of the kids' favorite books!

On the Delhi side of the shipment, it was helpful to be prepared with some "spare cash" when it's time to accept the delivery!  Things seem to move a tad bit quicker if you have "bakshees" on hand to pass out to those with open hands, telling you that "it is not possible!"

Our delivery and unpacking was completed in ONE day.  ONE DAY people!  They didn't mess around!  Be steadfast in keeping track of the boxes as they come in, so that you can easily and adequately claim any missing items.

If you have the misfortune of any broken or damaged items, do NOT discard them.  Take photos as you will need them for proof of the damage when submitting your claim.  As soon as your unpacking has been completed, notify the insurance company of your intent to file a claim and start the process as soon as possible, as many companies have a deadline!

A couple more things if you are reading this and about to embark on your own "having them pack up your house" adventure:

• From what we were told, I was not allowed to physically pack anything ... or run the risk of a "PBO" label on each of those boxes (packed by owner) which would then be subject to customs officials going through each of those boxes.  No thank you!
  
• As much as stationing items in the garage as I purged helped me mentally up until the movers arrived (out of sight, out of mind) I fear ... No, I DREAD the unpacking process as we now have bathroom stuff intermixed with books, with some silverware thrown in the mix - no doubt. All of those boxes are labeled "GARAGE" - sigh.
• Have bottled water on hand and plan to buy the guys their lunch each day.  They are grateful and it made me feel a bit better about the care they were taking with our things.
  
• Over-estimate and inflate any estimate provided to you by at least 35%.  No kidding.
• As of the writing of this post, proceed with caution when choosing Allied.
• Schedule babysitters for your children during this process.  They will need to see the house when it's empty and say goodbye to their home, BUT they don't belong at the house during the packing!
• Use sticky notes for things that you feel require extra caution and care during packing.
  
• Use sticky notes to label each child's bedroom.  Place each child's name on their bedroom door so that boxes are appropriately labeled.
• Do a somewhat thorough inventory of your belongings so that you are aware of the age of major items and whether anything is slightly damaged or broken before the movers begin.
• Never stop asking detailed questions.  For YOU, this may be the first time you've experienced a move like this.  Don't let the folks you're dealing with for your move force you into assuming ANYTHING.

I'll compile questions and comments and have this entry be a work in progress .... help me jog my memory!  What things did I miss on the subject of packing and shipments?