Guest posting time!
Elizabeth shared this with me and I wanted to share it to you all.
Elizabeth is the mama to a sweet little boy who is our middle little's best friend. Best friend ever over the last two years!
Elizabeth shared this with me and I wanted to share it to you all.
Elizabeth is the mama to a sweet little boy who is our middle little's best friend. Best friend ever over the last two years!
Introducing, Elizabeth ::
Okay, if I really knew the secrets of expat bliss I’d have turned this post into a book, sold it to a publisher, and would already been sipping a Bellini at a swanky hotel poolside on my book tour.
But I digress…I hope my shards of collected experience will help your time in India be better for YOU. That’s all any of us get – the chance to make this experience the best it can be for our family, and if what I’ve lived can help anyone coming after us, then I’ve paid it forward.
But I digress…I hope my shards of collected experience will help your time in India be better for YOU. That’s all any of us get – the chance to make this experience the best it can be for our family, and if what I’ve lived can help anyone coming after us, then I’ve paid it forward.
I believe that everything you hear about India is simultaneously true and false. Which is a version of reality that can take some getting used to. One week, one day, heck sometimes one hour will show you opulence and poverty, joy and abject grief, riotous beauty and revolting filth. It will make your head spin.
--So my first piece of advice is to take it easy on yourself and on your family.
Even if you’re an experienced expat, adjusting to India takes time. A lot more time than you expect. My unscientific research based on talking to lots of expats over 4 years suggests that feeling at home here takes twice as long on average than anyplace else they have lived. The good news here is that the same “research” data suggests that India is a place where most expats feel they make more close local friends than anywhere else they have lived, but all in all, expect this to be a more time consuming and perhaps harder settling in journey than you expect.
Even if you’re an experienced expat, adjusting to India takes time. A lot more time than you expect. My unscientific research based on talking to lots of expats over 4 years suggests that feeling at home here takes twice as long on average than anyplace else they have lived. The good news here is that the same “research” data suggests that India is a place where most expats feel they make more close local friends than anywhere else they have lived, but all in all, expect this to be a more time consuming and perhaps harder settling in journey than you expect.
--Activities, especially kid’s activities.
Don’t believe the hype. A lot is available. And a lot of it is poorly organized and not fun for the kids. Look for the real gems, which are out there, and don’t follow the herd. Your kids will be happier and so will you. I’m sure the example I’m choosing will generate a lot of hate mail, but here goes. A prime example of this is the DIFL soccer league. The sign up process is like applying to an Ivy League college, the coaching is non existent, and for my money, any elementary school aged sports program shouldn’t permit shouting at the kids.
A little research led me to the amazing PFC soccer program at the British School sports field and rekindled my son’s love affair with team sports. So I guess my bottom line here is don’t do “what everyone else is doing” for kid activities – there are alternatives and they take more work to find than in some other expat environments, but it is well worth it.
Don’t believe the hype. A lot is available. And a lot of it is poorly organized and not fun for the kids. Look for the real gems, which are out there, and don’t follow the herd. Your kids will be happier and so will you. I’m sure the example I’m choosing will generate a lot of hate mail, but here goes. A prime example of this is the DIFL soccer league. The sign up process is like applying to an Ivy League college, the coaching is non existent, and for my money, any elementary school aged sports program shouldn’t permit shouting at the kids.
A little research led me to the amazing PFC soccer program at the British School sports field and rekindled my son’s love affair with team sports. So I guess my bottom line here is don’t do “what everyone else is doing” for kid activities – there are alternatives and they take more work to find than in some other expat environments, but it is well worth it.
--Household Staff.
Here is another area where it pays to take your time. It sounds so glamorous – a cook to fix whatever your heart desires, someone to drive you anywhere you want to go, never having to clean a toilet. I totally believed the hype and before I arrived in India I agreed to take over the entire 5 person household staff of my predecessor and promptly added a 6th person (since as a full time working mom I needed a nanny). And I have lived to regret it and want to save you from my mistakes.
Live here for a month or so and figure out what you really need for help before you become the social safety net/bank/home for a village. Living in an expat community takes away a lot of privacy to begin with and live in staff means never being alone.
It also means taking on the problems of a lot of other people.
If I could do it again I’d take my time, get settled in, and then see what the reality of my “never lifting a finger” fantasy looks like in the light of the Delhi sun.
For me that would have meant hiring a nanny (no way around that as a full time working parent) and someone to do some food shopping/prep and a 3rd person to drive (since Delhi traffic is tough and parking is virtually non existent) and I’d have them work limited set hours Monday through Friday only. That would be my ideal , maybe not yours.
My advice is: Take the time to settle into your life here, see what help you want, and then and only then commit to the virtual adoption process that is employing household staff.
Here is another area where it pays to take your time. It sounds so glamorous – a cook to fix whatever your heart desires, someone to drive you anywhere you want to go, never having to clean a toilet. I totally believed the hype and before I arrived in India I agreed to take over the entire 5 person household staff of my predecessor and promptly added a 6th person (since as a full time working mom I needed a nanny). And I have lived to regret it and want to save you from my mistakes.
Live here for a month or so and figure out what you really need for help before you become the social safety net/bank/home for a village. Living in an expat community takes away a lot of privacy to begin with and live in staff means never being alone.
It also means taking on the problems of a lot of other people.
If I could do it again I’d take my time, get settled in, and then see what the reality of my “never lifting a finger” fantasy looks like in the light of the Delhi sun.
For me that would have meant hiring a nanny (no way around that as a full time working parent) and someone to do some food shopping/prep and a 3rd person to drive (since Delhi traffic is tough and parking is virtually non existent) and I’d have them work limited set hours Monday through Friday only. That would be my ideal , maybe not yours.
My advice is: Take the time to settle into your life here, see what help you want, and then and only then commit to the virtual adoption process that is employing household staff.
--Privacy.
This is the hardest part for most people to get used to. No more privacy – not at home, not at school, not on the weekends. No matter how much you try to expand your orbit, this is the smallest expat community I’ve ever been a part of. True story – I have a yahoo account under a pseudonym and this morning I got an email on that account addressed to my real name from someone in another country who referenced my Embassy employment and asked for help with a visa case.
Admittedly I live a more public life than most because of my work, but another expat truth from life in India is the need to adjust to a whole new level of small town life. No advice for this one apart from letting you know it’s there.
And maybe encouraging everyone to be kind.
It is so easy to feel you know the whole story about everything happening to everyone because of Delhi’s expat fishbowl, but I’d say it’s as true here as anywhere else that you really don’t know what goes on in someone else’s family.
This is the hardest part for most people to get used to. No more privacy – not at home, not at school, not on the weekends. No matter how much you try to expand your orbit, this is the smallest expat community I’ve ever been a part of. True story – I have a yahoo account under a pseudonym and this morning I got an email on that account addressed to my real name from someone in another country who referenced my Embassy employment and asked for help with a visa case.
Admittedly I live a more public life than most because of my work, but another expat truth from life in India is the need to adjust to a whole new level of small town life. No advice for this one apart from letting you know it’s there.
And maybe encouraging everyone to be kind.
It is so easy to feel you know the whole story about everything happening to everyone because of Delhi’s expat fishbowl, but I’d say it’s as true here as anywhere else that you really don’t know what goes on in someone else’s family.
Gandhi said that satisfaction lies in the effort, not in the attainment. India as an expat is all about the effort.
So go forth with equal measures of gusto and reserve and India will reward you with memories and friendships for a lifetime.
So go forth with equal measures of gusto and reserve and India will reward you with memories and friendships for a lifetime.
